For Pete's sake!
I finally came out to my friend Pete* at work. The sheer amount of relief and happiness that came from doing that is almost overwhelming. Wow. Almost unsurprisingly, he had the same reaction that my parents did - a combination of support, happiness that they can be there for me while I'm going through this, and a sort of sadness that it took me so long to feel comfortable enough to actually come out. We talked for awhile tonight, and I honestly believe that he will be one of my biggest supporters in the coming months.
My job is an interesting beast. I fix and maintain computers for a company of around 250 people, and I'm on the floor all the time. I'm usually quite social - I've been with the company for a bit more than a year now, and know pretty much everyone there. The biggest stressor that I'm facing right now in my transition is how in the hell I'm going to come out at work. 250 people at once that I see every day, not all of whom I'm necesarily close with, is really daunting. Even if I don't have to justify a "mental illness" to keep my job (my job is quite forward-thinking in regards to diversity), I still understand that there will almost certainly people that aren't comfortable around someone transitioning.
What gets me through it is the people I work with**. Pete and Christina, the two people at work that now know about me, are honestly close enough to me to be like another family. There are probably another five-ten people in my department that I consider friends who I am reasonably confident will be more than willing to accept me for who I am. And as for the other departments - there are good people all around the company who will continue to think of me as me instead of focusing on my gender, and they'll straighten out the bad seeds. I've always thought that if I just be as good of a person as I can, that's what people will remember. I have gone through most of my life being as optimistic as possible, and it has gotten me this far, so I will continue to do so!
But yeah, back to tonight - I gave Pete a ride home, and we were hanging around talking about life in general (as we usually do at least once or twice a week), and he started to talk about how important he feels companionship becomes as he grows older and telling me that I should start dating, and I couldn't take it anymore and completely spilled the beans on everything. Keeping a secret from him, especially for this long, had been absolutely killing me because (a) he had confided personal details of his life to me before and I felt like it was a betrayal of trust and (b) I knew for an absolute fact that he would be supportive of me. A lot of details came up, such as "that's why I show no interest in relationships", "that's why I'd would never let you in my room when you'd come over", "that's why I randomly drive 20 miles away to see a therapist every other week", "that's why I shave my legs and pits" - it was actually kind of fun to just let it all out there! At the end of the night, he gave me a hug and reassured me that he'd have my back no matter what...and now I'm just sort of taking that all in, hence this post.
That's all for now, I guess!
*as people have probably figured out, I've decided to stop trying to hide names in this blog. I used to have a somewhat irrational fear that people that I didn't want to know would see this blog and figure out who I am based on the names in here - the more I think about it, the more ridiculous that seems to me. If someone I work with somehow magically stumbles upon this and thinks they know me, feel free to ask! Being in the closet sucks anyways. :)
**second end note: Britain, if you're reading this, you know I think the world of you too! I really wish you hadn't left.)
