Mindset
Friday was my friend Pete's last day of work at Network Health. I wasn't going to write too much about it, because this journal is meant to document my transition, and this technically doesn't have anything to do with that. I think I realized today that that's isn't entirely the case.
Without going into too much detail, Pete's leaving was the first thing that has actually made me legitimately sad since I started taking hormones. I can't even really explain the difference between emotions pre- and post- estrogen, other than to say that they're a lot more intense. Over the last two weeks I've started to exhibit behaviors that are typical of my being upset: not talking with people as much, focusing on distractions, not worrying about doing things that I need to do (like specific unpleasant parts of the job, or paying bills, or following through on commitments), all while being in denial that anything is wrong and doing my best not to let people know something's up.
This afternoon I think I realized that I'm starting to slip and that I need to refocus my direction on fixing my life. I can no longer say that I'm focusing on transition - that's done, and it's time to regain control of things. Today I
- wrote up a plan for how I'm going to succeed at my job
- I organized all of my bills and wrote up a spreadsheet to track them
- I cleaned up my room and put stuff away
- replied to some correspondences from OkCupid - I might as well get this dating thing started, no?
I'm going to cut this post short and go to a BATs meeting. The thing that I think I like most in life is positive interactions with others, which is why I like this group so much - everyone there is really cool, and it's the only place where I I'm in a room full of people who can empathize with being transgendered. Tomorrow I will go to work and help people do their jobs by fixing their computers - and I'm going to do it because I love doing it. Life is too short not to love it!
