Projected Life Goals for Fiscal Year 2009
I have had a lot of ups and downs over the course of 2008. Thankfully, the positives far outweighed the negatives which led to a pretty great year. For my entire childhood...hell, for most of my life, I had put "being a woman" in a category that most people reserve for "flying" and "invisibility" - dreams that seem to have limitless possibilities but are ultimately unattainable. My transition period is slowly coming to a close, and I'm now getting into a mode where I have to balance learning female life with preparing for surgery.
My only attempt at college was right after I graduated high school in 1997. I went into Computer Science, because I really liked computers and "wouldn't it be fun to program video games?" - that lasted a year until I realized how uninterested I was in programming. That was my ultimate failing in school: once I lost interest in the topic at hand, I'd become completely unable to stay motivated. I thought it was crazy that I was expected to put all of this work into becoming something that I didn't want to be. In coming out, I've made the comparison of transitioning to my college experience. I'm preparing for the future that I've always dreamed of having. There are struggles, there are challenges, and most importantly there are a lot of fun doors that have been opened as a result. I feel like I'm growing as a person, and I definitely feel like I've developed a more mature outlook on life.
If transition is my college, that means that surgery is my senior thesis. The last two years had me doing most of the grunt work that I would need to successfully become Michelle. That means that this year - the year in which I'm going to turn 30 - is the year that I want to shoot for SRS. I'm going to need money, and I'm going to need a doctor and a schedule and to figure out a million other details that I sure I haven't thought of yet. Honestly, it's going to be the hardest part of the year, since I'm used to most of the other things that come with transitioning by now.
That said, here are the things that I would like to see happen in 2009:
- I think SRS would be one hell of a birthday present to give myself. Once September rolls around, I will have been living as a woman for a year, which should allow me to proceed with surgery. I'm honestly pretty terrified of the pain - I'm never going to be able to get pregnant, but this will probably be the closest thing that I'll experience. I understand that it's going to leave me pretty immobile for something like 3 months, which is a really weird prospect. I'll probably end up flooding this blog with writings on all sorts of crazy things if that's the case!
- I want to get in contact with more people. Here's the thing: I am an extrovert, but I sometimes lose sight of that when I'm in a "low-self-esteem" mode. The beginning part of the 2008, when I was aware that I'd go full-time but was terrified to be seen, was absolutely awful in that regard, and I'm incredibly happy that I'll never have to bother with those particular fears again. Once September hit, and as I have become more and more confident with who I am and how I project myself, I'm remembering exactly how to talk to people without being afraid they'll immediately reject me if/once they learn. I'd love to start dating, or at least to meet some new guys who don't have the vision of me as a male buried in the back of their heads. I want to play on a softball team and travel to jam band festivals and go on a trip and do all cool stuff like that!
- I want to actively maintain a positive emotional state. This means trying as hard as I can to stop thinking negatively of others. On my birthday in 2008 I was snowed in and home alone, so I spent some time looking out the window and reflecting on the fact that I am only as happy as I am today because I was so universally accepted by others in my life. I have always harped on other peoples' opinions of me, admittedly to a fault sometimes, so it means a lot to feel as accepted as I do. But what this means is that I've realized the important of accepting others back. One of my worst habits of the last year was focusing on problems instead of solutions, and I want to be through with that. When I engage in conflict I've been trying my best to honestly put myself in the others' shoes so that I can try to see where they're coming from. All of these little things have led to me feeling perhaps as optimistic about my future as I ever have.
- I want boobs. Back when I first started crossdressing, I bought these A-cup sized breast inserts that I would glue on with medical adhesive. Fast-forward five years to when I started hormones, and eventually I moved down to "+1 cup size breast inserts" that I saw on sale at Tello's for 10 dollars. They did their job pretty well. These days, I usually just wear a bra and a shirt - sure, I'm flat-chested by most woman standards, but I'm doing great for "born male, short, asian mother" ones.
- There are things like "get organized", "learn to plan and project manage", "save money", and "go back to school" - pieces of advice that I'm often given - that I have no desire or plan to change. Maybe if I need resolutions for 2010!
