What I do Instead of Keeping Photo Albums
This morning, I decided to sit down, read my blog starting from the beginning of last, and basically take a trip down memory lane. Before I could barely even get into it, I read the post that I wrote around New Year's Day. In this post, I recorded things that happened of significance in 2007 and predicted the things that I wanted to see in 2008. I was happily surprised to see that, even though I never once went back to read that post, I ended up accomplishing pretty much everything that I had predicted I would. In that vein, I figured I would try that again, this time using last year's post to recap. --- From last year's New Year's post (stuff from last year is purple, my comments are in black): Here are things that I expect and/or hope to happen in 2008. I figure this will be a good thing to look at next year to see how I did! This blog has been such an awesome tool for me. There is something calmly refreshing about being able to say "here's a website, read this" instead of having to judge how far in depth I go when I come out to people. Plus, when I go back and read over entries, it brings back the feelings that I had at the time when I wrote them, which is pretty magical. The best part, really, is that it's a decent short story's worth of material starring me, so I know that I'll at least be able to identify with the protagonist. - Assuming I have no biological issues that prevent it, I will hopefully be starting hormones within the next two weeks. It will take awhile for a noticable difference, but I am going to slowly start looking more feminine/gaining breasts/living female as a 'norm' instead of something I consciously have to go out of my way to project. Somewhere along the line (at least, I desperately hope so), I will have to put forth more effort into looking male than staying female - and I don't project any/many instances where I'll need to. Hormones - check. Looking more feminine - check. Gaining breasts -check. Not having to think about looking female so much - check. Not needing to present male anymore - check. Go me! I think the one thing that I missed on that list, and the thing that's made the largest difference by far, is the personality shift that came with hormones. I have lost a lot of any competitive urge I used to have - I think the reason for this is that the thrill of the win just doesn't really do as much for me anymore. Right now, I'd say the thing that I enjoy most in life is connecting with other people, and frankly, switching genders has been awesome for my sense of empathy (something I take pride in and work on every day). - I have been growing more courageous through 2007, but still have a long way to go for 2008. It's all about gaining self-confidence! I can't imagine that hormones won't help. As it is, I'm currently really good at creating things to be afraid of/ashamed of/sad about, and I need to stop doing that. - At some point depending on my progress, I will probably start living as close to full-time as a female as possible. This means having to run around to government buildings to attempt to get new documentation and to legally change my name and gender. This means coming out at work, which is going to be absolutely daunting. This means starting to figure out a way to pay for SRS, as that will actually be on the horizon. The secret to all of this was to learn to have faith in my ability to improvise. I spent the year trying always to focus on the task at hand so as not to psyche myself out. Going full-time was something I just decided to start one day after getting a woman's haircut. The documentation stuff was a struggle but I got it done relatively painlessly. Coming out at work was only scary until it happened, and then it was fine. Paying for SRS - I'm still figuring out how and when I'm going to do this, but, like everything else, I have faith that I'll figure it out in time. Since I went full-time in September 2008, I am eligible for surgery in September 2009, meaning that it realistically is the next step. I do certainly think surgery will make me feel less anxious regarding dating. - I plan to slowly come out to people I trust at work to build a group of people that will support me when I come out publicly (I've already started with this!). In terms of coming out publicly, I still plan to wait as long as possible. Until then, I'm enjoying every day there and just doing my best to give the company no reason to take issue with having a transgenedered employee. I really don't think there will be an issue - this is more of a matter of wanting people to have the easiest time making the mental transition, meaning that I feel it makes more sense to wait until I will present female at work. Regardless, I hope I still have my job in December, because it's really a great place. Man, this was fun. I like a lot of my coworkers, and I love conversing with people, and in most cases disclosing something that personal about myself led to interesting conversations. I definitely feel like I know a lot of people a lot better, which is great, because they know me a lot better. If I could do it all again, I would have come back to work as Michelle one week earlier - I was warned against announcing and then waiting but ignored this, and ended up losing momentum that I had gained from the assemblies I had spoken at. Regardless, everything has been smooth, I do still have my job, and it is still a pretty great place for me. This happened, and my parents' house is awesome. I'm kind of sad that the house I grew up in is now out-of-bounds, and my contact with North Haven is limited these days, but I'm happy for my parents because that house was way too much to maintain with all of their kids having moved. On that note, I do feel like I get along with my family a lot better now that I'm Michelle - I feel like the whole "keeping my gender identity secret" thing kept me distant, and now that that's out of the way I can be more open with people. Although I'm disappointed to have gotten this one wrong, who honestly expected him to get 18? And still be one of the leaders in walks given? I still love Daisuke and he's still my second favorite pitcher behind Wake <3 --- Now, off to read my blog! This lazy long weekend has been near-perfect, and I'll be sad to see it go. At the end of that will be my goals for 2009. I really recommend to other people that they do this, even if they just jot down some bullets in Notepad or something.
Turned this one right around, and thank heavens for that. I'd like to give a shout to Peter Brown and Anthony Shaheen, two incredibly outgoing and confident friends of mine who I've spent a lot of time around in 2008, for giving me a good benchmark on how to crush shyness. Obviously, a lot of it has come down to having a successful transition, but I have to say that my self-esteem is at relatively good these days.
- My parents will get a buyer on the house and be able to relax in their really nice new house in Westbrook, CT. At least, I certainly hope so!
- Daisuke Matsuzaka = 20 wins :P
