I haven't heard about it too much this year, but there's an omnipresent debate around my job (and the country in general) about whether or not the term "Merry Christmas" is offensive to those who don't celebrate it. The general consensus is that we should use "Happy Holidays" as a safe, non-offensive measure so that people aren't offended.
I'm sorry, but give me a break.
It drives me absolutely nuts that people can find something that is that completely petty to get upset about. I come from a Catholic family, but consider myself an athiest. If a Jew were to come up to me and wish me a Happy Chanukah, I honestly wouldn't care. Regardless of what people celebrate, we should all come to the agreement that holidays should be a time for celebration, and that what we say to other people shouldn't matter at all. On that note, Merry Christmas to everyone!
I bring this up for two reasons. The first is because I'm writing this post on Christmas and figure that it's as good as any time to mention it. The second is because it seems it might be time to clarify my stance on names and pronouns, as it is a question that has come up a bit in the recent past.
Basically, 2008 is going to be "the Year of the Transition" for me. 2007 has been one heck of a journey (which will likely be another post around New Year's Eve) in which I set the groundwork for what I'm going to be doing over the next few years, but in 2008 I'm going to actually start on hormones. Hormones are slow to work, and it will take something between weeks and years before there is a noticeable difference. Eventually - and I have no idea when this will be - I stop the pretense of living as a male entirely. By that time, it shouldn't be too weird to think of me as Michelle and use female pronouns, because that will be the person that you see in front of you.
Unfortunately, right now, that isn't the case. Most people reading this have known me as [male] for years. I understand that it takes a lot of effort to just switch the gender that you think of me. It's honestly weird for me to be referred to as Michelle/she when I'm not making the effort to present female. This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it, because Michelle/she will eventually be the norm, so anything people can do to prepare for that works for me.
When I am presenting female, it's a bit different. I prefer Michelle/she, I think because I see it as an affirmation that people will be able to get used to me as a woman. However, just like when I'm not presenting female, I'm not yet at the stage where I'm going to get bent out of shape if people mess up. I'd be lying if I said I don't slightly wince when I hear my male name if I'm presenting female, only because that sends me the vibe of "you still come off as a guy", but to me that will be corrected with time. The main reason for this is that without hormones, I admit that I still have male features no matter what I do to hide them.
The above scenarios apply to when I'm in private with people. In public, I might get a bit more picky, simply because I get awkward/embarrassed if I'm around strangers. When I'm out in public with people, I really prefer it if people try to stick with how I'm presenting. Being called "Michelle" when I'm clearly looking male is weird; being called [male] when I'm trying to present female is awkward just because being "read" by strangers is still something that I kind of dread. The only time that I've actually gone out of my way to correct someone was when I was presenting female in a shopping mall, and even then I hated doing it because I really don't like making people feel like they're doing something wrong.
So I feel like I've written a bunch of stuff in this post and it's probably not clear, so let me try and summarize this: in general, I prefer to be referred to based on how I am presenting at the time, but unless I risk confusing people and thus making an issue of it, I won't let it bother me. If I do correct people in the future, please don't take it personal! It likely means that you're someone really close to me and I'm afraid that if I don't say something now, it will get tougher down the road - it doesn't mean that you've offended me in any way (unless I specifically say that, heh).
One last note: the last week or two has been really great, and thanks to everyone that I've been around for that!
I just stepped back and looked at what I've been doing lately. Not really going out of my way to talk to people? Check. Constant boredom? Check. Keeping myself really busy with short-term fun things and not really trying to think ahead about even the near-future? Check. Well, shoot.
I must be in a bad mood!
That's not entirely true, because in a lot of ways I think I'm doing fine. From a transition standpoint, the last couple of trips presenting female have been a success, my relationships with my family and friends seem quite intact (if not better than before), and I have exactly one month as of yesterday to go until my endo appointment. In addition, Friday is my 28th birthday, my payday from work, and the start of a 12-day-stretch of no work for me, so there's certainly that to look forward to. Christmas and New Year's are also coming up. So that's all good news.
The reason I'm in a bad mood is because (a) I'm broke and (b) it's freezing outside*. The former is because I still haven't quite mastered the art of budgeting one paycheck to serve as living expense for 4 weeks (the other paycheck going toward rent/bills) and usually find myself paying for it right around the start of week 4. The latter is just a fact of life that comes with New England. While I do have enough to live off of, I'm basically in "emergency no impulse/luxury spending mode" until Friday. The other thing - and I think this is a factor in the bad mood - is that I don't really have motivation to present female. Between showering, putting on clothes, styling my hair, and applying necesary makeup, it usually takes roughly a half-hour before I'm happy with my female appearance. I find that there's really no reason to go through the trouble if I'm just going to be sitting around. After I transition, nights like this will be sweatshirts and pajama pants (with optional blankets) and no make-up anyways.
Heh, I think I got it! I'm impatient waiting for this whole transition thing to be done with (heck, I've barely started) so I can start exploring permanent life as a woman, and fate (plus my incompetance) has declared that I really don't have anything I can do to take my mind off of it. I really don't take boredom very well at all :(
Now that I've forced that out of my brain, onto one more topic before bed: my birthday! I've been hem-hawing on the topic alot because I really hate planning things, and I sort of realized that I'd be happiest just having people over**. That said, if anyone would like to come by on Friday for food/drinking/board games/video games?/hanging out, you're more than welcome! Be warned, I think it's supposed to snow, so don't worry too much if you can't get here. I plan on spending the entire block from Dec. 21-Jan 1 as a celebration anyways - my friend Anthony will be in from San Diego, and my friend Pierre (and co?) will be coming up after XMas, so it should be good times. If other people want to come visit for any of that time, let me know - I have a (paper-thin) futon and decent floorspace that is available!
*also, work stuff, but that isn't necesarily bad yet.
**backup plan, pending available cars, interest and weather, is bowling at Lanes and Games. I love bowling.
Last night was like a little adventure! I had a therapy appt. at 4pm, so I left work at 2, came home, and switched to presenting female before heading out west. Since I had a few things that I needed to do, I decided to make a little adventure out of it.
Level 1: Therapy Appointment
Difficulty: 1 out of 5
Since I've been in really good spirits lately, there wasn't any particular thing that I needed help with, which cleared the way for an interesting 45-minute discussion on my thoughts/opinions/desires regarding sex and relationships. It's interesting to have someone where I can (heck, where I should) be completely honest and open with regards to that stuff. I'm not really interested in going into further detail in here, though.
Level 2: Glamour Boutique
Difficulty: 1.5 out of 5
I figured that since I left work early and was already halfway there, I might as well head out to Auburn to check out the only trans- specializing store that I've ever seen. I was out of medical adhesive (lovingly referred to as "boob glue") and they are the only store that I know of that sells it. In addition, it's far and away the least stressful place to present female, for obvious reasons. I tried on a dress and a skirt, but the sad (happy?) reality is that I'm way too small to fit in the clothes that they sell there, so I didn't end up buying any clothes.
Level 3: The Auburn Mall
Difficulty: 3 out of 5
I had done two mall trips as Michelle in the past. The first one was by myself in Natick - I was really nervous, think I might have been read once or twice, and ended up hurriedly going into Sears, buying a bunch of clothes, and leaving as quickly as possible. The second one was two weekends ago with friends - I was a lot more relaxed, and it built up confidence, but we didn't go into too many different stores. I figured that since I had broken the ice with the first two 'levels' and was already in the area, I would try and do some shopping at the Auburn Mall.
Holy cow. I went in with the intent to purchase a jacket, and actually took some time and looked around. I went into NY&Company, Charlotte Russe, and eventually purchased a new coat at Wet Seal. I even perused around Victoria's Secret! I made eye contact/smalltalk with people (specifically those hocking cheap wares at kiosks, or working at stores) and wasn't visibly read a single time. I went to Payless looking for some cheap boots, but their selection in my size isn't the best. I went to Sears but didn't want to spend the prices they were asking for clothes (for obvious reasons, I avoided Macy's). Most importantly, I really enjoyed myself.
Level 4: Star Market
Difficulty: 3.5 out of 5
This would mark the first time I had ever gone out presenting female to do something that had absolutely nothing with being female. I started to rationalize my way out of going, thinking of how much easier it is when you aren't afraid of being read, until I realized...I'm really not. No one at a grocery store is going to take the time to bother guessing my gender, and even if they did there's almost no shot of saying something to me. This is really obvious in retrospect, but it's amazing what kind of things my mind can come up with when I'm doing something Iv'e been nervous about my whole life.
Level 5: Going home
Difficulty: 1 4.5 out of 5
As I was walking back to my house, I saw my third-floor neighbor (who I'm not out to) coming towards our house from the other direction. Had I not froze up, we would have definitely intersected right at the door. This was my one major dissapointment of the night - I didn't feel like running into someone I knew and having to explain exactly why I was dressed the way I was, so I did one of those "oh! forgot something in the car!" things, turned around, and waited an extra three minutes before going inside. Now that I'm writing this, I'm kicking myself for that, as it put a stain on what was otherwise a perfect record in terms of challenging myself.
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I wrote most of this last night, but was too tired to finish it, so I'm ending this post the next morning. Tonight is a BATs meeting followed (and preceded) by some hardcore housecleaning. Tomorrow night is the Kid Nation finale (and Project Runway, which I always forget) - if people would like to come over to watch a bunch of crying kids, they're welcome. One of my next posts should hopefully include some sort of birthday plans - I historically take forever to figure out what (if anything) I'm doing, so I need to buckle down and post something!
I finally came out to my friend Pete* at work. The sheer amount of relief and happiness that came from doing that is almost overwhelming. Wow. Almost unsurprisingly, he had the same reaction that my parents did - a combination of support, happiness that they can be there for me while I'm going through this, and a sort of sadness that it took me so long to feel comfortable enough to actually come out. We talked for awhile tonight, and I honestly believe that he will be one of my biggest supporters in the coming months.
My job is an interesting beast. I fix and maintain computers for a company of around 250 people, and I'm on the floor all the time. I'm usually quite social - I've been with the company for a bit more than a year now, and know pretty much everyone there. The biggest stressor that I'm facing right now in my transition is how in the hell I'm going to come out at work. 250 people at once that I see every day, not all of whom I'm necesarily close with, is really daunting. Even if I don't have to justify a "mental illness" to keep my job (my job is quite forward-thinking in regards to diversity), I still understand that there will almost certainly people that aren't comfortable around someone transitioning.
What gets me through it is the people I work with**. Pete and Christina, the two people at work that now know about me, are honestly close enough to me to be like another family. There are probably another five-ten people in my department that I consider friends who I am reasonably confident will be more than willing to accept me for who I am. And as for the other departments - there are good people all around the company who will continue to think of me as me instead of focusing on my gender, and they'll straighten out the bad seeds. I've always thought that if I just be as good of a person as I can, that's what people will remember. I have gone through most of my life being as optimistic as possible, and it has gotten me this far, so I will continue to do so!
But yeah, back to tonight - I gave Pete a ride home, and we were hanging around talking about life in general (as we usually do at least once or twice a week), and he started to talk about how important he feels companionship becomes as he grows older and telling me that I should start dating, and I couldn't take it anymore and completely spilled the beans on everything. Keeping a secret from him, especially for this long, had been absolutely killing me because (a) he had confided personal details of his life to me before and I felt like it was a betrayal of trust and (b) I knew for an absolute fact that he would be supportive of me. A lot of details came up, such as "that's why I show no interest in relationships", "that's why I'd would never let you in my room when you'd come over", "that's why I randomly drive 20 miles away to see a therapist every other week", "that's why I shave my legs and pits" - it was actually kind of fun to just let it all out there! At the end of the night, he gave me a hug and reassured me that he'd have my back no matter what...and now I'm just sort of taking that all in, hence this post.
That's all for now, I guess!
*as people have probably figured out, I've decided to stop trying to hide names in this blog. I used to have a somewhat irrational fear that people that I didn't want to know would see this blog and figure out who I am based on the names in here - the more I think about it, the more ridiculous that seems to me. If someone I work with somehow magically stumbles upon this and thinks they know me, feel free to ask! Being in the closet sucks anyways. :)
**second end note: Britain, if you're reading this, you know I think the world of you too! I really wish you hadn't left.)
I tried to do the facebook thing again, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to add people if I don't have their email address in my address book (since the AIM thing is worthless), so if you'd like to be added and haven't yet, please send me an email and I will add you.
I took a trip to the mall with my friends Lisa and Amanda. It went really well! I feel like it marked a couple of significant points as far as my "transition timeline", so I thought I'd mention them here.
- This was definitely the longest amount of time I've spent immersed in public presenting female. I pretty much woke up, showered, got dressed (in both senses of the term), and went out about my day. With regards to being in public, I was confident for the most part. For all intents and purposes, it was as close to a "normal female day" as I've ever had, and I'm really happy for that.
- It was the longest distant I've ever walked in heeled shoes, that's for sure! First, I walked from my house to Mass. Ave. to pick up Lisa - something like a 15 minute walk each way. It was interesting, because on one hand I was late and knew I needed to walk faster, but on the other hand I was enjoying walking in heels in public (because finally, I can without "arousing suspicion"!) and was too slowed down to be able to do anything anyways. Once we arrived back, we picked up Amanda and then drove to the mall, where we proceeded to walk for another 3 hours. As I type this, my legs (which is weird, because my feet are fine) are killing me. Frankly, I think the fit of the shoes that I picked up (9.5 womens) is exactly perfect; I just need to get used to walking in heels more.
- It was the first (and second) time that I used a public womens' restroom. At first, I was panicking, because I have always had this vision of being spotted by some random woman and having her say words to the effect of "what are YOU doing here?" before calling the cops, etc..fortunately, nothing like this happened. Lisa and Amanda provided great moral support by flanking me on the way in to make me less noticeable. I do, however, have one complaint: the first stall that I used had pee all over the seat. I have spent years daydreaming of not having to deal with that in mens' bathrooms anymore - it turns out that women somehow manage to do it too. Gross.
I would have used a womens' dressing room as well, but it didn't dawn on me to take clothes to try on when Lisa and Amanda went in, so I decided to just try on shoes while they were in there. I totally would have used that dressing room, though! I'll just save that for next time, I suppose.
- I didn't spend a ridiculous amount of money! All I bought was lunch (Chinese, $6.00), an eyeliner pencil (CVS, $4.00) and a shirt (Filene's Basement, $13.00). This is good, because I have been getting bad with my spending again. In the past, me presenting female + clothing stores have always been a dangerous combination - it had always been hard to shop in the past at women's clothes store because I was afraid that I'd look like a pervert or something if I looked at women's clothes, and that's no longer a concern. Self-control, it's all part of the new leaf that I've been slowly turning over :)
Also, thank heavens for that pencil, because I am convinced that liquid eyeliner is actually impossible to use.
- It was the first time I tried to enforce being called by Michelle instead of my male name. "Tried to enforce" is a misleading term, because I only had to say something once. I don't know if it's still weird for others and I can only assume that it is, but it meant a lot to hear that being used as my name. Even when I dropped Amanda home and talked to Joel (her boyfriend, another close friend to me), he took the time to correct himself and apologize when he slipped up, which I really appreciate.
- It was the first snow (that I actually got to see) of the season. I thought it looked really pretty on the drive home. Unforunately, that means that traffic stunk and it's freezing, but I'll take it for now.
BATs, the support group at MIT that I go to, is pretty cool. When I first started going there, I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough in common with the people there to warrant me coming back. As I've started returning more (and contributing more to the general conversation), I'm finally starting to have that elusive place where I feel 100% being myself. Even though I skipped a few meetings before the last two (for reasons that were mostly rationalizations of my not wanting to take the effort/risk to present female that night), they're slowly becoming something that I legitimately look forward to each other week. I had a meeting tonight, which gave me a reason to present for the first time since before Thanksgiving, and I've come home feeling rather confident and positive in general.
When I got home from the meeting tonight, I grew hungrier and realized that there was nothing really viable as a dinner option. I decided to order food from Wing It, the not-so-great-but-hey-they-deliver option in my area. On the phone, they asked for my name, and I gave them "Michelle". I stayed dressed, and answered the door when the guy arrived. Lo and behold - this guy has certainly delivered to me before, probably remembers me because I order the same thing each time and tip a ton, and almost certainly was expecting [male] to answer. He seemed visibly surprised when I answered the door, but any reservations that he had vanished when I gave him $15 on a $10 order.
Not a huge deal on paper, but it's the first time that I let a stranger that would likely know me as male see me as female. I live next door to a number of businesses whose owners likely recognize me, and I think it will take all of them (with the exception of the laundromat guy, who I assume must have an inkling) by surprise. I mentioned at BATs the long-standing analogy I've used of transitioning being like a role-playing game - it's a process of doing something small, using it to level up (gain confidence), and then using that confidence to do more challenging things. Tonight's "dungeon" was "surprise-coming-out-to-strangers", and despite a feeling of nervous tension between the call and his arrival, everything went fine.
That's all for now! I swear I will actually make a second attempt to add people to my facebook sometime soon.
I'm going to be really cheesy and list some stuff that has kept my spirits high in the last few days/weeks/months. Happy (belated) Thanksgiving to everyone!
First of all, I'm happy at the progress I've made in terms of actually starting and going through with the transition process. I spent a lot of years convinced that I would never go through with any of this and that I was doomed to be alone and unhappy - that feeling in the back of my brain/pit of my stomach has been replaced with a sort of hope and looking forward to the life ahead of me. That's really cool! Even dumb little things, like being able to carry a purse, being called "ma'am" by strangers, or going shopping and actually caring greatly about how I look - it's stuff that makes me happy every single time.
Secondly, I'm excited at the prospect of my future. I don't think this comes up very often because I try not to think about it, but for my entire life I've felt doomed in the relationship department. I'd really like to experience love, because I don't think I have (and didn't think I ever would). It's an interesting thing to think about, especially since I had long ago realized and accepted that relationships would cement me into the "male" role which I wasn't interested in in the least. In addition to the newfound feasibility of relationships, I am still planning on moving out of New England once I'm done and starting over. I have no idea if my life will be in a different spot when that time comes around, but right now I am really interested in beginning a new life as a female once the opportunity is there. Transition is something like the college that I never finished :)
Thirdly, my family and friends. People show their support in different ways, but I haven't seen anyone that I don't think is trying on some level to accept and welcome the changes to my life. I've heard horror stories of people being rejected after coming out, and I think I'm really lucky to not have to go through anything like that. The number of people that have embraced me for what I am far outweighs the one or two people I can think of that have shown any issues with it. I've always been reliant on support from people, and I feel like I've gotten it in spades, so thanks to everyone :)
Until I see an endocrinologist, I'm just trying to keep as positive as I can. I've had moments where I've slipped back into old unhealthy ways (sitting around far too much, playing online games from 5pm-1am each night, getting little to no sleep, not talking to people), but for the most part I'm feeling as happy as I have in a long time. If transition is my college, then my life right now is like my senior slide. There's a feeling in the back of my mind that nothing that I do right now is really all that important, so I'm just enjoying the ride while I wait for next year to come.
Speaking of enjoying the ride, dinner is ready. G'nite, everyone!
My week has been up and down. I'll start with the good stuff and then move on to the bad stuff!
On one hand, I'm really confident with how I look presenting female. I've done a few shopping trips now, eaten out in public, and random stuff like that - and there has been no sign at all that anyone has ever noticed anything weird about me. I look in the mirror and I actually (for the most part) like what I see. I'm really looking forward to 2008 - for the first time, I find myself planning for the future with positive expectations.
The only goal now is to be more social. I don't know why my brain is so weird, but I have a huge issue with being seen as female for the first time by people. It's always this awful thing for me. To be honest, the impression that I have as of late is that while people don't have a problem with my appearance, they're finding it dificult/going to find it dificult to actually change how they think of me as a person. And frankly, it's my responsibility to do something about that, but I'm just absolutely petrified. When people use male pronouns/names on me when I'm presenting female, I don't know whether to say something and risk discomfort for me and the other parties, or to keep quiet (more discomfort for me, none for the other parties).
I created a facebook, but I'm not sure it had the intended effect. I sent out three invitations by email (all of which were accepted) and 15 or so via AIM (none of which were accepted). At first I took this as some sort of sign that I was making people uncomfortable or something, but in retrospect I probably just screwed up that mass invitation. It took a few days before I realized this was the case.
So yeah, I guess it's cool that I have a way to look at other people's facebooks. Unforunately, it made me realize how isolated I still am while I'm waiting for my transition to actually begin. There's a network for my high school, one for my work, and probably a few others that I could belong to if I looked hard enough, but I'm stuck keeping my settings private and being eternally conscious of people finding out what I am who I don't want to know.
I think the problem is that I've always been an extrovert and relied on my ability to get along with people, and now I find myself shy and nervous around others for the first time. I think I've always taken rejection really hard, but this is the first time (since high school) that I actually expect it. The worst part is, it's completely unjustified because no one has actually given me any sort of a problem for it. Unfortunately, whether or not it's justified is completely irrelevant, because it's the way that I feel. I'm trying my best to change this and just be comfortable no matter where I am, but it's really dificult.
This post isn't really complete, but I'm getting really tired. I'm actually a bit surprised at how negative this was. I have had some swinging moods over the last few weeks, mostly due to frustration at the wait for my endo appointment. Hopefully, now that I've gotten some of this off of my chest, I can move past it :)
Happy Thanksgiving to anyone reading this!
Woohoo, I finally added some content (and some friends) to my facebook. I only added specific people, mostly people that I either see regularly or that I know are comfortable with my transgenderedness - if anyone reading this would like me to add them and I haven't, let me know.
It's funny - I lost all of the pictures on my computer when my hard drive crashed a few weeks back, so I decided I would spend tonight essentially playing "dress-up" and taking some pictures. I have always known this, but sometimes I forget: I really like trying on clothes :) I threw in some pictures of my apartment while it's still clean for good measure. And since I was cooking, cleaning, playing cards online, and watching television through the time I was changing and taking pictures, it pretty much took up my entire night.
I'll post more soon! I have a BATS meeting tomorrow from 7-9, and then I rush home, change, and go out with friends to demo out the new game Rock Band at a bar. Speaking of bars, I need to get my license replaced soon - not only is it annoying to have a license with an obviously male person on it (preventing me from obtaining alcohol while presenting female, unless it's an obviously T-friendly place), but my license expires in a month anyways.
I need to go clothes shopping soon. My primary ideas are the Garment District (where I've been shopping presenting female a few times already) or a mall. If people (likely females) are interested in shopping trips, let me know!
Oh lordy, it's 2am already. I'm cutting this short, more updates soon!
