I purposely decided to go to bed early tonight, eschewing plans and hitting the hay around 10:30. Of course, I woke up around 4:30 as a result and haven't been able to fall asleep. When this happens, it's because my mind is running amok and I can't stop it, so I guess now would be as good a time as any to dive right in...
My birthday is on Sunday. I will be turning 29 years old. As usual, I feel bogged down enough with holiday-related stresses that I honestly don't feel like planning anything huge; at most, there might be dinner with some friends. Getting older bothered me a lot more before I transitioned; it felt like I was putting off this huge life decision and I was fully aware that the longer I did so, the more I was short-changing myself. Now that I'm full-time, I'm actually kind of looking forward to my 30s - I feel like the first 3 decades of my life were practice, and now the stuff I'm doing actually counts towards my future.
I remember my birthday last year - per usual, I didn't really want to plan anything so I just had some friends over my apartment. I don't really remember much of what we did - what I do remember is that I was stressing out because it would be the first time that a lot of my friends saw me presenting female. The other thing that stands out is that, while no one had any objections to my doing so (which makes sense, as it was my friends in my apartment on my birthday), people were calling me "he" or by my male name, and I made the decision not to mention it, and it bothered me a bit.
In other news, my company's holiday party is on Friday night. It's going to be my first formal event as a woman (and I haven't got a thing to wear!). It's almost funny how sharply my opinion on formal things has changed since I've transitioned - having to dress up as a male made me want to choke (I really hated suits and ties and the like), whereas getting to dress up as a female is something I look quite forward to. Heh, even typing that last sentence, I used "having to" referring to maleness and "getting to" referring to femaleness - that pretty much sums up how I feel. It should be a great night, although I'm going to have to make time this week and figure out exactly what I need to do to get ready for this thing. I'm going with a male friend of mine who should be a lot of fun - he's fully aware of my trans status and it's no big deal at all, which means I should be able to kick back and enjoy myself.
I started playing the internet dating game. I'm playing at perhaps the world's slowest pace - to be honest, while I think it would be nice to start meeting guys, I definitely don't think it makes sense to start really trying to find someone until I'm completely done with transitioning. Right now, I'm kind of in Practice Mode with the whole thing. It used to honestly bug me something fierce when female friends of mine would complain about random guys hitting on them - nothing like people complaining about something that you would give anything to experience, right? But now that it's finally happened (granted, it's online where it doesn't count), I'm realizing just how awkward the whole courtship process can be, especially in terms of "how do I politely explain that I'm not interested?".
As a quick aside: Joel has turned me on to This American Life, a radio show/podcast where people give first-person accounts of interesting facets of their life, based on different weekly themes. I really like people, and the strength of this show is that it gives a great window into other peoples' stories. The other day I found the episode, "What is This Thing?", about love and what it means to be in love. I bring this particular episode up because the second story, "View from the Other Half", is one of the most accurate and engaging telling of what it is like to try and find a mate as a transperson that I've ever heard. For the people who read this blog as a way to understand what it's like to be transgendered, please give this show a chance: (click here for a direct link to the episode)
A friend asked me this weekend if I'm attracted to guys or to girls. For the longest time, I had given the answer of 'both', because I held the belief that it would be silly to reject a potential mate simply because of their gender. But when I was asked this over the weekend, I actually stopped to think about this for a little bit and told the truth - I'm not really attracted to women that much. There are things about women that I like, but it had always been from an angle of "this is what I want for myself"; since transitioning, I've slowly realized that from a romantic standpoint, women aren't really offering anything that I'm looking for. At the same time, I've started noticing guys more, simply because there is now a realistic chance of experiencing dating/relationships/love as a woman. Good times.
I'm slowly becoming aware of people that do have a problem with my transitioning. At least one person has asked my roommate "what are you going to do when he starts hitting on you?" (me being the "he" in that sentence, of course) - this question is ridiculous for a whole host of reasons. There are people I see at my job - mostly outside vendors/technicians who never really got to hear my side of the story - whose opinions of me have obviously changed since I went full-time. There are people who I used to interact with a fair deal who don't really talk to me anymore - I think these are the people that don't technically have an issue with me, but still don't have a clue how to approach me (as if I have become a different person). Fortunately for me, none of these people really matter, because for every one of them there are dozens of people who are totally cool with things, and those are the people that I choose to surround myself with on a daily basis.
(Wow, I've been in my bed typing in this thing for an hour and a half now. Yay for laptops!)
The hormonal side of things has been going allright. I now have (what I think are) breasts that are visible even if I don't "pad my stats" - every morning I use the "how many fingers do my breasts cover?" test to track growth. I haven't been aware of people suspecting my past in the last three months - this is a hugely positive change from worrying about it every time I went out. The only people thing that can still be improved (without surgery, heh) is the name/pronoun things amongst people who have known me for a long time, but people have already gotten a lot better over the last few weeks/months. I have received compliments on my appearance from people that I can only assume are genuine, which honestly makes me a lot happier than I probably show.
Emotionally, being a woman is a total roller coaster. Happy, angry, sad - all of these feelings have intensified when I experience them, and they come and go a lot more often. When I am feeling negative - ugh. I have caught myself lashing out at people, I have definitely found myself crying on the job, and I sometimes go through emotion-charged spurts where I want to make sweeping life changes because some random bad thing happened that day. Overall, though, I feel a lot more clear-headed these days, which is good. I guess that it is the tendency of males to squelch their feelings, and now that I don't do that, I feel like my life is falling together in a good way. Empathizing with others makes me happy, and I'm getting better at doing so all the time.
Also, while the estrogen obviously affects me quite alot, I think losing testosterone is affecting just as much if not more. I used to be very competitive - to the point where that was something I was afraid of losing before taking hormones - and now I'm really just not. It shows, because I still play competitive games with my friends when the situation arises, but I now focus alot more on having fun than I do on winning. In this regard, I almost feel like I've freed myself from being this person that I didn't really like. My main motivation for competing was self-validation that I was good at things; I'm now focusing less on that and more on just being a good person in general.
Quick aside #2: I went to the store where I play Magic a few weeks ago and there were some people that brought in a Wii and a copy of Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. I play this game a few times a week with some friends, and am reasonably decent at it given that I have a history of playing fighting games. One of the people playing left, so I asked the other guy if I could play. He agreed, and we played, and I won a few times. And that's where I experienced something that I've always kind of looked forward to, but didn't even think about until it happened. I could tell that (a) he was pissed that he, a tournament player, lost to a woman, and (b) his friends were going to completely make fun of him for that fact as soon as I left the room. It kind of makes me wish that arcades still existed so that I could experiment with this phenomenon some more. :)
And of course, since I speak of transition, it is probably time to start thinking about surgery. There are a few issues that I need to sort out, not the least of which is "How am I going to pay for this?". Other considerations include "How do I find a doctor?", "Isn't this going to be the most physically painful surgery I'll ever experience?", "What if things go wrong?", and "What exactly is the procedure for SRS?". I have been purposely putting this off because I haven't wanted to stress myself out too early, but I am aware that in less then a year I will technically qualify for a sex change operation. In typical Michelle fashion I spend lots more time thinking of life after surgery than I do the surgery itself. My parents have been recommending the show Sex Change Hospital, which I have downloaded months ago but still haven't watched out of fear of what I'll see. My threshold for pain isn't the best, and thinking of things like genital electrolysis kind of scare me, so I do my best not to until I absolutely need to (which will be in a few months).
A long time ago, I used to spend most weekends traveling from my parent's house in CT to various cities to play in Magic: The Gathering tournaments. Generally, these are tournaments called Pro Tour Qualifiers (PTQs) in which the winner gets to travel somewhere in the world to play in the Pro Tour for some large amount of money. As with anything competitive, there has always been a 'scene' of people that would regularly arrive. As lots of people would travel for these things, and as I lived two hours from Boston and two hours from New York, I got to know a lot of different people.
Eventually, I decided I was dedicating too much time and money to the game, and moved on to other things. Specifically, spending my weekend on competitive Magic got replaced with spending my weekend on lasertag, and then competitive Dance Dance Revoluion, which then got replaced with drinking and socializing with friends ("adulthood?"). Still, at no point did I ever stop liking Magic or the people who play it. Even though I stopped caring about qualifying for the Pro Tour, I would still go and socialize at the local shop on Thursday nights or even hit up the occasional PTQ.
Once I made up my mind to transition, I also made up my mind that at some point I would stop playing live Magic. Somewhere along the line Magic: Online came into existence and I was still able to play the game without worrying about people having an issue with my gender change. I maintained this for a little while - I knew that slowly and surely people would find out, but I was still at the point where the threat of rejection was enough to cripple me so I did what I always do: I didn't let myself think about it. I knew that at some point, either I would become forgotten to the people I used to play with, or I would develop enough confidence with who I am that it wouldn't make a different.
When I moved in with Anthony, I did so knowing that a lot of his friends were the people from the old Boston PTQ scene, and that I'd eventually interact with them. At some point two months ago I did, and much like with every other old group I knew, people didn't seem to have any issues with it. Based on that, I went to play at the local store three weeks ago and reconnected with a lot of people, and that two went well. With that feedback, Saturday I decided it was time to do something I hadn't done in three years and play in a PTQ.
Normally, when I go to a "new old place" after transitioning, I play the wallflower for a bit until I'm sure that people aren't uncomfortable. When I got there, I realized it wasn't just fear of rejection that had made me apprehensive about going. It was the fact that, with 164 players and some staffers in the room, the ratio of men to women there was something close to 45:1. That, combined with the fact that there were plenty of people in the room who knew me that I hadn't heard from since I transitioned, meant it was almost certainly going to have to come up at points during the day.
It did, and, to be honest, it wasn't bad at all. There were friends that I hadn't seen or heard from in years, some of whom knew I transitioned and some of whom hadn't, who seemed satisfied with the fact that I am obviously a lot happier. On the flipside, there were people who may not have had an issue with it but still didn't see me as anything other than a guy in drag. I've noticed that all-male crews that used to know me before I transitioned seem to have the most trouble making the mental adjustment that I am, for all intents and purposes, a woman. Apparently a lot of people were asking my roommate about me because they didn't feel comfortable asking me face-to-face. I don't know if that's for my sake or for theirs; frankly, I don't mind if people bring it up as long as it means they're trying to understand/tolerate it.
There were a couple of pronoun slip-ups, but I've long since accepted that those will happen with any new group. I tried to correct people just little enough that they would understand that being female means a lot to me, but not enough that I would make them feel uncomfortable if they screwed up. I've found that as time goes on, gender mistakes bother me a lot less - they still suck, but they're no longer the end of the world. Fortunately for me, they occur a lot less as well.
This post is long enough that I don't want to lose it, and the night is late enough that I would just rather go to sleep, so I'm going to end this train of thought here. I want to write more about gaming in general, and how my opinions of it/others opinions of me have/haven't changed, but that is best saved for another post. Until then!
Friday was my friend Pete's last day of work at Network Health. I wasn't going to write too much about it, because this journal is meant to document my transition, and this technically doesn't have anything to do with that. I think I realized today that that's isn't entirely the case.
Without going into too much detail, Pete's leaving was the first thing that has actually made me legitimately sad since I started taking hormones. I can't even really explain the difference between emotions pre- and post- estrogen, other than to say that they're a lot more intense. Over the last two weeks I've started to exhibit behaviors that are typical of my being upset: not talking with people as much, focusing on distractions, not worrying about doing things that I need to do (like specific unpleasant parts of the job, or paying bills, or following through on commitments), all while being in denial that anything is wrong and doing my best not to let people know something's up.
This afternoon I think I realized that I'm starting to slip and that I need to refocus my direction on fixing my life. I can no longer say that I'm focusing on transition - that's done, and it's time to regain control of things. Today I
- wrote up a plan for how I'm going to succeed at my job
- I organized all of my bills and wrote up a spreadsheet to track them
- I cleaned up my room and put stuff away
- replied to some correspondences from OkCupid - I might as well get this dating thing started, no?
I'm going to cut this post short and go to a BATs meeting. The thing that I think I like most in life is positive interactions with others, which is why I like this group so much - everyone there is really cool, and it's the only place where I I'm in a room full of people who can empathize with being transgendered. Tomorrow I will go to work and help people do their jobs by fixing their computers - and I'm going to do it because I love doing it. Life is too short not to love it!
I almost feel bad these days when people ask how my transition is going, and why I don't post in here as much as I used to. I think it's reflective of the point that I'm at in my life. I'm near the tail-end of hair removal - I don't make regular appointments anymore and think I should be done with it completely by the end of the year. My therapy appointments are only once a month and usually consist of me telling her how well everything is going. There used to be a host of places/people that I would be afraid of encountering because I was unsure how they'd react to me as a woman - these days, I can't think of any that are left. Work, friends, and family all appear to be completely used to Michelle, and name/pronoun slip-ups are way way down.
I'm as happy with my life as I can ever remember being. Great for me, not so great for this blog :)
A few weeks ago, my job brought in an outside consultant to assist some of the people in my workplace who deal with other people (on the phones and such) with hiding their accents a bit. I was called in to set up her laptop, and we got to talking. Her company is called Speak Easy. I told her that I am transgendered, was newly out, and have never really gotten any sort of professional help with my voice, and asked if she worked with trans- clients on that sort of thing? She hasn't before, but feels she can help and is willing to help me out for free so as to expand her skills/client base. Everyone wins! My first appointment is tomorrow evening - she is based in Springfield so we will be working over the internet. Vocal training, for free, without needing to travel? I'll take it!
The election had its ups and downs. Specifically, I'm quite happy that Obama was elected because I do legitimately have faith that he will improve the country. I'm also quite happy that people in Massachusetts will not need to worry about being thrown in jail because they put fire to a plant and inhaled it. The income tax question on the ballot was interesting - I was personally in favor of repealing the income tax and seeing where that takes us, but a lot of people whose opinions I respect were vehemently against it, so I don't really mind that that bill didn't pass. However - I think that shutting down the dog racing tracks in Massachusetts is completely ridiculous, and I can't believe that the state voted to put that many people out of work without any evidence of mistreatment to the dogs. Also - what the hell, California? I might have expected that from Wisconsin or Idaho, but you guys should know better than that! I am waiting for the country to wake up and realize that taking rights away from people is wrong, and all I can do is hope that the fact that we elected Obama is a good start on that frontier.
I went to a BATS (transgender support group at MIT) meeting for the first time after a four-month hiatus last week. It really cool - I had sort of forgotten that I hadn't been there since going full-time, and while nothing really changed from their perspective, it was a lot different from mine. There were times in the past where I would rush home from work, shower, change, and then sneak out of my apartment and pray that the neighbors didn't see me. There were times in the past where I would sit through an entire meeting having to pee but not wanting to risk using a bathroom. I started out the meetings really shy and barely talking; now I feel like I know a good majority of the people and have no fears of speaking about things. Also, summarizing my life over the last four months (I came out to everyone I know, went full-time, changed my name, gave three presentations about transgender eduction at my job, came out at work, and have been taking hormones for 11 months now) was a good chance to stop and reflect on how far I've come.
One question that I was asked was "What do the people at work think is actually happening to you?". This caught me off-guard for a second before I answered with "The truth. I told them I hated living as male, felt that I should have been female, decided to transition, got oks from a therapist and and endocrinologist, and will be living as a woman". One difference that I've come to realize exists between myself and a lot of other people is that I don't particularly feel the need for my own privacy, at least as far as my thoughts and feelings go. I don't see the point of keeping information to myself - it just makes a lot more sense in my eyes to explain things to people and try and get them seeing my point of view (even if they don't agree with it). Questions about sexual orientation or whether I've had surgery or whether I'm a hermaphrodite - go ahead and have at them, I don't mind! I guess I've come to realize, perhaps as a result of waiting until I was 27 to do anything about my feelings, that keeping stuff secret from the world only serves to reinforce that my thoughts are something to be ashamed of, and I don't want to do that anymore. If people don't like me because of who I am or what I think - it's really no worries, because (a) as long as I can justify what I think, there's a chance of getting them on my page.(b) there are plenty of people who like me just fine anyways.
One thing that has been sliiiightly bothering me is single life. It's not that I don't like being single, because I do. The problem is that, much like transitioning, I think that all external factors are set and it's now up to me to conquer the anxiety that's stopping me from progressing. Truthfully, I'm scared shitless of dating - I'm way out of my depth experience-wise not only regarding dating, but regarding living as a woman. The factor of "how and when to tell my partner that I was born male" also looms, because it's still a prime thing to visualize worst-case scenarios for. On recommendations from friends, I have been looking at meetup.com (simply to meet some people that never knew me as male) and okcupid.com (to try and get the ball rolling on this dating thing). The thing is that I only feel tempted to resort to the internet when I'm not happy with the way things are, and for the most part I'm happy with the way things are. I'm sure this will all sort itself out. (right?)
Well, it's 1:05 pm, there are a couple of errands I need to run today, and my laptop battery is starting to warn me that my time writing this post should come to an end. I suppose I need to get out of bed at some point, so that is as good a reason as any!
Things are going well.
My last post was a bit frantic, mostly with worry that I would never make it as a woman full-time. I think that, in truth, all I really needed was some sleep. These days I'm feeling a lot better, mostly because I've realized that I was looking at it all wrong. In a month and a half I've gotten to a point where I'm universally accepted by the people that I interact with as a woman, and I've stopped constantly worrying that I won't pass or that there will be awkwardness if people find out. The other stuff will correct itself with time - it's only been 45 days, and I'll have the rest of my life ahead of me to deal with all the small stuff. I spent so much time focusing on meeting some arbitrary goal that I lost sight of the fact that I should be enjoying my progress thus far.
I'm taking Friday off this week so that I can deal with some paperwork issues. I've been meaning to do this ever since I got my name change papers last month, but health issues + work have held it up for awhile. I'm hoping to get my social security card and driver's license, especially so that I don't need to deal with having a guy's ID when I go out.
Winter is coming. The best part of this is that I get to shop for a new wardrobe, again. The worst part of this is that I have to shop for a new wardrobe, again. (Actually, the worst part is the fact that it will be freezing for the next five months). To be honest, I feel like I've been really good at not blowing the budget on clothes, mostly because I try things on before I buy them now. Confidence sure is awesome.
I feel like there's nothing all that relevant to write about in here for this post. Things are going really great, which means that life is boring for the most part. I'll end on some life tidbits:
- our heater broke, so the apartment has been without heat since it got cold last week.
+ our landlords are handling it well enough - there was a plumber and an HVAC specialist here today, and it should be up by tomorrow.
- the Red Sox did not make it to the World Series.
+ I know enough of the Rays players (and some of the Phillies) to make the Series interesting to watch.
+ I'll be going to a few concerts over the next few months.
- I don't really have many local friends to go to concerts with, which is sad.
+ work has been awesome lately - both in terms of environment (much less open conflict) and work (we have a third technician, so there's a lot more room to focus on more interesting troubleshooting problems).
- people still slip up on the name/pronoun thing, but...
+ ...I'm sure they'll get it eventually!
+ I've started following politics for this election. I think the whole process and its effect on Americans is really interesting.
- It's also hugely depressing, and I'm convinced that no matter who wins, half of the country is going to feel robbed.
So yeah - in a nutshell, things are going absolutely fine. Go me!
Bear with me, because I'm probably going to wake up in three and a half hours and wonder what the heck I was thinking writing all of this stuff out instead of sleeping. Whatever.
Flashback to 2003: I was 23 years old. I was reasonably aware at that point that I was transgendered or a transvestite or gay or something but knew I was too afraid to act on it. I lived in my parents' basement in North Haven, CT, had a degree from a technical school but no job, existed off a $100 dollar unemployment check, and spent most nights playing Dance Dance Revolution at the local arcade or hanging out with friends. I had yet to be in a meaningful relationship, and I had already accepted the fact that I would probably die alone. I went to bed most mornings at 7am and woke up afternoons at 5pm; there were days in a row in which I wouldn't see sunlight. I wasn't happy - I knew for a fact that life was slowly slipping out of my grasp.
And yet - I was content. I still had my parents who loved me and were willing to do whatever they could to help (still do!). I had plenty of friends who I liked and who liked me. I could create distractions for myself that would stop me from thinking about how directionless I was. I had plenty of fun! Even though I knew there was a better life out there, I knew it would always be out there. Eventually I would get sick of where I was and change things, right? That eventually happened, as I was offered a cheap room in Cambridge, took it, moved out, and started over.
Things were tough at first. I had arranged for a temp job so that I would have a way to pay my $400/month rent, but I ended up hating it and quitting early. I literally moved with less than a carload of things - my bedroom when I set up was a paper-thin mat (to call it a mattress would be giving it too much credit), my computer on the floor in the corner, and two boxes of small things that I took from my parents' house.
As the years went on, I grew up. Some old friends lost contact, some new friends emerged, and whether I see them twice a week or once a decade I love each one dearly. I found a field (IT) that I like and am good at, and landed a job in a place I like, in a field I like, with a group I like. I experienced some hardships - a car accident that totaled my car in 2005 and a fire that took most of my things in 2007 - and despite all parties coming out of both incidents uninjured, they allowed me to realize that I need to live my life to the fullest extent. Soon after the fire I decided to transition from male to female, and almost two years later I can now taste the rewards of going through it all. I know for a fact that I'm happy.
And that's what's driving me nuts.
I have changed who I am, exchanging the hand I was dealt for the one that I wanted, and I don't regret the decision one bit. In a sense, I've come a long way - I'm accepted by people I know and strangers alike as a woman. This is what I have always wanted. But...I don't know how to shed my old male life. I'm not even sure that I want to. On one hand, it is literally painful at this point when people mess up my name or my pronoun, because it shows that no matter what I do, people will always have the vision of the male me in their head, and it will always be an effort to readjust. Even when they get it right, I have this innate feeling that if I don't change things, I will never feel like a true woman.
I don't personally hold mistakes against people because I understand it is a challenge at first - but then I think about how I wouldn't have to face it if I moved somewhere new. That was the original plan. It would be the most refreshing thing in the world to live a life where no one at all knew about this. Much like when I moved to Cambridge five years ago - I would figure out how to better myself and my life, because I wouldn't have any other choice. And just like five years ago - I don't actively want to. I have no guarantee that a new place would be better than the place I'm in now, and there are plenty of things that I love about where I am now.
When all is said and done, my fear is that despite being accepted as a woman, I'm pretty much living the same life that I lived as a man. The same life, with less fear of rejection and more self-esteem. And that's great! I have been questioning, though if it's great enough. Hormones puts me in a second puberty, but from a life perspective I feel like I'm still in the first one. I need to challenge myself if I want to become the best person I can be, and I don't think that I am. It pisses me off that I have no idea how to talk to a guy, or to make myself 'dress up', or to even socialize with a stranger without worrying about when or if or how they will find out that I'm transgendered. I hate knowing that there are people who probably feel like they don't know me anymore because my body is changing.
I guess it can be summed up like this: my self-esteem is really high, but my confidence is really low. And I guess that's the reason I'm up at 4:15am thinking about all of this stuff instead of sleeping.
This has not been the best week at all.
On Monday I woke up feeling "not quite right". I had actually started to go to work, because I figured I would be bored if I stayed at home all day. I got in my car to leave, had a wave of nausea, came back inside to vomit, called out of work, and went back to bed. I suppose it's a good thing this happened, because when I woke up at 4pm I had a full-on fever. This kept me in bed pretty much until late Wednesday and was a miserable experience every step of the way.
On Wednesday, I actually tried to go into work, but left an hour after I got there because I still wasn't up to snuff. I decided to call a doctor - not so much for the fever, but more because I felt like I had an earwax buildup in my left ear and it had been irritating me all week. I couldn't get my PCP due to the short notice, but was able to see a different doctor in the clinic that afternoon. The doctor checked, and removed what earwax there was, but he told me that there was a fluid buildup in my inner left ear that would need to drain on its own. Either the fever/sickness caused the blockage, or the blockage caused the fever (I didn't really have any other symptoms typical of the flu when I was sick). He recommended me Afrin (nasal spray) to keep my passages open, and to yawn/pop my ears as much as possible.
I tried my best to keep this out of my mind, but by Friday I was pretty much freaking out. The feeling sucks - it's like there's something in my head, not quite interfering with my hearing but still noticeably muffling things. I called my PCP's office on Friday morning for a referral to an ENT, and called back again in the afternoon, but never heard back from their referral specialist. I left work early to go to the Mass. Eye and Ear Infirmary, because thoughts like "what if this gets much worse? what if my ear feels blocked for months? what if my eardrum bursts?" were increasing in frequency and messing up my ability to focus on my work. They checked me out completely - the guy I had on Wednesday left me feeling like he wasn't the best, but the woman I got on Friday was quite comprehensive. She vacuumed out what she could get (not much, as the fluid blockage is apparently on my inner ear and unreachable that way), put a tube up my nose and looked to make sure nothing was wrong, and told me that it was really slowly clearing with no sign of infection and that I should be fine.
To give some perspective - I have a history of turning negative experiences into phobias, and I feel like that's what freaked me out so badly on Friday. I get flack amongst my friends at work for hating balloons - this is because 10 years ago I worked in a job where they filled a neighboring coworker's cubicle with balloons for her birthday, and they would POP randomly and scare the hell out of me for three days (until I complained). Almost everyone that knows me knows I hate ketchup - this is because I once got an employee at Subway who didn't know the difference between marinara sauce and ketchup, leading me to bite into the grossest chicken parmesan sandwich I've ever had. And eight or so years ago I got water in my ear at a water park, made it worse trying to remove it with a Q-tip, and spent three days deaf in one ear because the first doctor I went to completely botched things and cut something on my inner ear trying to remove the blockage. I can't stress how much that hurt. To this day, I really hate the feeling of things in my ear - to be honest, even if I didn't have the whole trans- thing to deal with, the fear of water getting in my ear usually keeps me out of pools and oceans.
So now it's been a week, and I'm trying to figure out how to get things back on track. The blockage still exists, but just like when I was transitioning I feel like fearing the worst will bring me nothing but stress, so all I can do is learn to deal with it until it goes away. I maintain - as I always try to - that positivity can take me a really long way. Meanwhile - I haven't shopped for more than a week now (for some reason, I only shop when I'm in a good mood) and still would like to add a lot to my collection of wintery clothes. It just dawned on me writing this paragraph that perhaps piercing my ears - something I've been putting off for awhile now - might possibly take my mind off of all of the other ear stuff. I want to go to MAC/Sephora and have them help me figure out makeup a bit better, and a mani/pedi is long overdue as I always love the way my fingers/toes look and feel when I'm done. Also, I want to switch my PCP - my doctor is really nice and seems good, but his office is a disaster and I've heard that there is a practicing one in Somerville who is a post-operative MtF who I assume would have a good handle on some of the health issues I'll be facing.
Basically, long story short: my life hasn't been the best in the last week, but I think the brunt of my problems are gone/going away and I expect things to turn around for the better again.
Other than a rough day on Friday, September 2008 was arguably one of the best months of my life. I didn't realize the impact of worrying about my transition, but now that I'm not feeling as nervous anymore I find that I just feel completely free. I think that my outlook on life in general has been more or less right where I want it, especially now that almost everyone I know has seen Michelle by now. I feel like it's a waste to just keep posting "oh hey, I'm really happy!" all the time, so this post is going to be about some observations/antecdotes from the last month.
In September:
(1) I moved to a new apartment in a new neighborhood, with a roommate I get along with and much reduced rent.
(2) I transitioned at work and was met with nothing but support from pretty much everyone.
(3) We hired a new desktop support technician at work, which should greatly lower my work stress.
(4) With a haircut and expanded wardrobe, I haven't been concerned with passing as female at all. It feels more like a given at this point.
(5) My legal name change finally went through!
(6) I have money again. Huge sigh of relief, there.
(7) New seasons on television of House, Survivor, the Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and the Amazing Race.
(8) I have been following politics. Not so much because I care about changing the country (because I accept that I can't change very much), but because I think it's really fascinating from a sociology point of view.
(9) Red Sox in the postseason! They're 2-1 in the seventh as I write this.
(10) Phish is playing a reunion show in March! Even though I saw them once back in 1995, it wasn't until 2004 - weeks after they broke up - that I discovered how amazing their live shows are through the power of the internet. They've been my favorite band for years, so I'm going to put a lot of effort in getting tickets and organzing a trip to VA next year.
Nice month! In other news...
I'm still really appreciative that I can now shop for clothes without fear of how I'm perceived. I still really enjoy the process of shopping, and I love seeing how I look when I try on different clothes. However, shopping is slowly moving from the "luxury" column to the "necessity" one. I used to look really forward to making the male > female switch when I got home form work and then going shopping and looking for clothes - lately, I've just been really tired after work and in the mood to relax.
Shopping is a lot harder now, too. What I wear is under a lot more scrutiny as a female, which can be stressful since I have historically been oversensitive to criticism. I'm also fighting the fact that I'm still discovering exactly what sizes/shapes/colors look best on me - shoes and pants in particular have been a nightmare to fit correctly. I do feel like I'm slowly figuring it all out and developing a 'look' for myself, so I suppose all I can do is stay positive and be thankful that I've gotten this far. I want to pierce my ears, but I'm admittedly nervous about it. If someone wants to volunteer to drag me in and make sure I don't chicken out (as I've done a few times now), they're more than welcome to!
The amount of name/pronoun slip-ups at work has gone way down. On Friday, I think I noticed something around 15-20 (which, as was probably evident from my last post, affected me a lot more than I wish it would) - I don't think I've heard more than 5 in a day this week. Honestly, I put a lot of stock in other peoples' opinions of me - admittedly, at times, to a fault - and it's been a huge mental and emotional boost to have people seeing me as female. Also, this paragraph is dedicated to Christina Servideo, who has been great not only with adjusting how she addresses me, but making sure that others don't slip up either :)
One last thing: a lot of my friends have been going through tough times recently. In a lot of cases, I do my best to listen as best I can and give advice where I see fit, but it's frustrating not being able to help people. All I can do is say that I'm always willing to lend an ear or a hand if people want, and that if you're my friend I wish you the best!
This part of the post was written on Thursday:
I've been feeling a sort of mental peace as of late. I think I have been getting slightly more lax with my blogging for this reason. It's like - woah, holy crap...the hardest part (well, emotionally, at least) is over.
There's still plenty of stuff to stress about, though. My voice is still nowhere near where I want it and my breasts are still far from done developing. I am still pretty clueless with eye makeup. I still don't have a female driver's license. The worst thing is that I still have to contend with the fact that most people that I know have known me as a male for quite a long time - I don't get upset at people when they screw up my name/pronoun/gender, but it still makes me feel like I'm failing somehow at being a woman. For all of these issues, the only thing I can do is assume that time will fix them.
But really, the main change has been in my confidence level. Ever since the day I got my haircut and brows waxed, I finally can look at myself in the mirror and see a female. I don't spend a ton of time obsessing about what will happen if people find out I'm transgendered anymore, for two reasons: one, I think I pass well enough, and two, I've spent two years worrying about what would happen and it hasn't mattered once. I've stopped thinking of myself as a transexual (with a secret I needed to protect at all costs) and more as a woman (who just so happens to have gone through some hoops to get to where she is today).
Right now, all I've pretty much been doing is taking it all in. I like my job, I like where I live, and I'm now coping with the fact that my biggest life stressor for the last five or so years is all gone. I think it has shown - I got a 'complaint' at work today that I'm "too positive all the time"...I take that as a complimetn whether it was meant that way or not :)
This was written Friday:
Well, so much for that! I swear - every time I write out a blog entry but don't finish it, my mood changes entirely before I can post it.
Today sucked. Like, hardcore sucked. The morning started out with a seeming parade of people finding things to critisize which completely erased the postitve attitude I had had and replaced it with an aura of self-doubt. I will admit that one of my inherent flaws is the inability to take critisism very well (they think my shoes are ugly OH GOD THEY MUST HATE ME), and it would be a lot easier to work on that if my hormone levels weren't drasticly shifting in a direction my body/brain aren't used to, but that's not the case. I began the day on the wrong foot and I don't think I ever really recovered from it.
Worse, though, is the name/pronoun mistakes. I have maintained from the beginning that I do not get mad at people for making mistakes with how I identity. That's been true, and it still is. But while it doesn't make me mad, I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me sad on some level. Shaking off the label of 'male' is my goal, and no matter how good I think I pass on the streets, I feel like I'm failing if people who know me are still seeing the male me when they talk to me. In small doses it's fine, but today was just...I think I could probably have counted 20 or so "he"'s when referring to me. I don't know how to handle it in a work environment - I don't want to make people feel like they have to guard what they say around me, but I feel like if I don't speak up, the behavior will never end.
I swear this post will have a part 2 (with a happier ending) tomorrow!
I'm back! I had a mostly-completed entry on my laptop but ended up accidentally losing it. As such, this post took forever to write. Sorry about that.
The first few days of my work vacation were basically spent setting up my house. Even though I knew that moving into Allston on the first would be a nightmare, I didn't really have a choice. Due to some complications, I didn't give the utility companies enough notice to transfer my services from the old apartment, so there was a block of eight days (my whole vacation from work) where I was without hot water, cable television or internet access. This produced a weird compromise of sorts - although I was much less likely to be distracted away from doing productive things, I learned that being productive without access to the internet is a ton harder.
As for the house, I love it so far. It's in an interestingly loud neighborhood - there are what seem to be frat parties going pretty much every weekend in multiple houses. Our particular apartment is in a quiet sort of nook, so while I can observe the chaos down below (or partake if I should so desire), it doesn't particularly bother me. There have been some issues - Anthony and I both being afraid of bugs isn't particularly optimal, given that we live in Allston. We had to call the landlord in to fix some lighting issues, but those appear to be all set. We still haven't really set up the kitchen. And yet - it's affordable, I have someone to socialize with at home, and it's the first place where I've really had the chance to embrace life as a woman.
One of the things I did while I was without the internet was to work on my appearance a bit. Specifically, I went to Newbury Street to treat myself to a haircut and eyebrow waxing. I was really happy with the results of each - the changes to my appearance have gotten me to the point where presenting female just seems easier and more natural than presenting male. As such, I haven't presented male since moving day, and I don't plan to ever do so in the future unless some crazy circumstances require it.
The appearance/self-confidence boost made a huge difference, as I came back to work last Monday presenting female for the first time. The hardest part was the walk from the parking garage to the building (to my cubicle) because I didn't know what to expect. The second awkward thing was some seven or eight customer service reps immediately seeing me and wanting to hug me - as I've said at work, there was a day and age where I was expecting pitchforks and torches way more than hugs and compliments, so I'll take what I can get! They also sent around a card and contributed to a "help Michelle buy clothes for work" fund, which I didn't expect at all but greatly appreciate. I really like my job, and it's a really pleasant surprise to be in a place that has been as tolerant and supportive as Network Health.
I was afraid of the bathroom issue at first, but have gotten over my nervousness and have been using it all week. Unfortunately, I understand that at least one person has raised the question of whether or not I should be allowed in it. I haven't been told (nor do I particularly want to know) who this is - but I do hope that their reservations eventually go away. I made the offer to not use one of the two bathrooms in our company to make the mystery person comfortable, but was vehemently told by the senior leadership that they back me 100% and, on principle, expected me to use whatever bathroom I normally would. For the first time in my life, I feel legitimately like a woman - it's almost too late for me to worry about what people think, because I certainly won't be going back.
The only other thing that is slightly stressing is the name/pronoun situation - people are obviously trying, but some people find it easier than others. It's a situation where I know people don't do it on purpose and thus I don't get upset at them, but every time I hear someone call me by my male name or pronoun (or, as people interestingly seem to do alot, call me 'Michelle' and than use 'he' in the same sentence) it honestly makes me feel worse. All I can do is assume that people will eventually catch on. Helpfully, there is a new desktop support technician starting tomorrow who will be working with me alot, and he will be the first employee won't know have known me any other way. Assuming that I like him (which I hope will be the case), that should be a huge help.
Outside of work, I have been doing 'normal' things as a woman and have never felt this comfortable in my life. This weekend, I did more socializing as a woman and, for the first time, my being transgendered didn't really come up to the people that didn't already know me. I went to a Red Sox game on Saturday night and sat in a rather chatty section, and met my roommate's family on Sunday to get together for a Patriots game - in both cases, no one that I talked to gave any indication that they saw me as anything other than a regular female. It's awesome - words can't really describe the feeling.
On that note, it is a little bit after two in the morning and I'm still writing this post, so I should likely wrap it up anyways. I hope everyone's life has been as optimistic as mine has recently! :)
