I'm almost there!  Work knows that I am transgendered, and people are quite overwhelmingly supportive.  Once September rolls around, I'll be living honest-to-god full-time.  I'm alternatingly excited and nervous about it.  I definitely can't wait until my IDs have been changed - for whatever reason, I feel like it is validation that I am legally female.  One I get the ID, I feel like I'll be able to stop worrying so much about how I'm seen since I'll be "legitimate".

Money has been tight.  All the usual bills, plus first/last/half-fee on the new apartment.  It's blindingly obvious that the apartment that I'm living in is too expensive, and I will be greatly easing that burden once I move.  On August 31st, I will get a paycheck that I will not need to immediately spend on rent.

Work has been stressful.  Not the coming-out part, just the actual work part (yes, life goes on!).  I need a vacation - and I'm taking mine starting on September 1st.

It's going to be one heck of a September for me!  Unfortunately, I'm finding it very hard to wait.  I think it's starting to show.  I have been really lax with taking care of the apartment and I haven't been going out as much.  I've pretty much just spent the last two weekends killing time around the house in an attempt to save money.  Not the best plan for me, since it tends to bring out my negative side.

It's like being in the period after high school where I've just been accepted to a college for the fall, and now all of a sudden everything in high school no longer feels as significant.  All I can do is hang around with my friends, save a bit for the coming years, and wait for September to roll aournd.  And much like in my senior year of high school, I like to keep my writing short and sweet...

The group forums went really well.  I think the combined attendance of the three meetings was somewhere between 150-200 people?  After last week's session for management, I accepted the fact that there was no point in planning what I was going to say.  From the feedback that I've received, that was correct - if I'm going to be talking about probably the toughest personal decision I've made to a huge crowd of my peers, I feel like it wouldn't have seemed genuine for me to be following a script.  I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from the people who were there, so that's good!  To be honest, now that all is said and done, I really kind of enjoyed running those sessions..

My brain works in a weird way.  There is a lot of stuff out there that is common knowledge out there that I can't be bothered with.  I have always been utter dead weight in a game of Trivial Pursuit, and I've come to realize that it's because I only focus my attention on topics that interest me.  This is pretty much the reason that I never succeeded in a school setting - half the time I couldn't pretend to care what the professor was talking about.  I try to make up for it by being knowledgable with the topics that do interest me - realizing this is what helped me find a job that I ultimately both enjoy and am (I think?) reasonably good at. 

Fortunately for me, my gender issues have been at the forefront of my brain for years.  While this has resulted in me being a bit oversensitive at times, it has also very well prepared to talk about it.  As I have said to some co-workers, the actual public speaking part was absolutely fine, but the half-hour before each meeting was really tough.  The Q&A parts were fun, but I've found that a lot of people have saved questions for private conversations after the meeting - and that's fine!

I might be good at hiding it (or I might not be), but my first day of work at female (Sept 8th) is going to likely be the most terrifying thing I'll ever do, so the more I know people are comfortable around me, the better.  I'm finding that while I might lose the work relationship I had with a few people, I'm getting to know a lot of people better, which more than balances things out.  I'll have spent a week living full-time female before I go in since I'm taking a vacation, so I'm hoping I'll feel immersed by then.

On a complete tangent, we found an apartment last night!  I'm going in to sign for it in two hours, and barring any disasters I'll be living on a street behind the Shaw's in Packard's Corner in Allston*.  It somehow managed to be nicer , larger, and yet somehow cheaper than most other places we looked at in Allston.  It also comes with a parking spot, and I believe we're just going to get resident parking passes and rent the spot for $100-$150/month (which apparently is a common practice).  Also, I remembered to verify that I paid a last months' rent on my current place, and I did, so it was like earning $1000+ for the next high-spending month :)

To summarize:  yesterday was a good day.

*I just realized that I'll be living on "Hartley Terrace, near Packard's Corner" with a roommate who has the thickest Boston accent I've ever heard.  That will be good for a year's worth of entertainment in and of itself.

Hello everyone, 

Thank you for your overwhelming acceptance to attend this educational forum.  As discussed in the directors’ meeting, the purpose of this forum is to educate us about our fellow transgender passengers.  Denise Leclair from Transgender Tapestry will present information as well as allow time for Q&A.  Additionally, the employee that is celebrating this change will be in attendance and looks forward to answering your questions.

The objective of the meeting is that we, as leaders, leave better prepared to assist our staff in irradiating misunderstandings, stereotypes, and other forms of not knowing to prevent prejudices from occurring in our workplace.  Thus, not only will we learn more about transgender in general but also what actions positively show support as members of management.  Please feel free to invite any of your managerial staff that you feel is appropriate.

Following this session will be 2 meetings that are open to all NH employees so that they too can use this as a learning opportunity.  HR is working with Marketing on communicating the dates and times for the afternoon of August 4^th and late morning of August 6^th.

If you have any additional questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Two days ago, I had the first of three "Trasngender Understanding" panels at work.  My first goal with these meetings is to educate the company on what exactly it means to be transgendered.  My second is to come out as transgendered myself, and let people know a bit more about why I am doing what I am doing and what they can expect to happen.  All in all, I'm really happy with the way things turned out.

Unfortunately for me, the forum was at 3:00, so I had a lot of time to anticipate it.  I started out the day mildly distracted and attempted to focus on my job and not think about it, but it started to hit home after lunch.  As 3:00 came and I started to see manager after manager walking toward the conference room, my nerves were working overtime.  I asked someone if there were a lot of people in there, and was told that they took the divider down between our two largest conference rooms to fit roughly 60 people inside. 

There were a few instances where I sat down and tried to figure out/write down what I would say when it was my turn to speak, but for the most part I figured I would wing it.  History has taught me - and this blog likely proves it - that I have no trouble finding stuff to talk about in regards to my transition, and so it didn't seem necesary to me to go in with much.  Somewhere around 3:30 (minutes before I was scheduled to speak), I decided to keep it quick, and to just take people chronologically through my gender identity.

Eventually, Cathi introduced me (as "Michelle") and I entered the room, and people started applauding.  With the exception of two wedding speeches and a year-plus-long stint working at a laser-tag arena (where I'd teach groups of people to play), I've never really public spoken in my life.  I tried to focus on the fact that I knew for a fact that there would be supportive people in the room, and that I have known and grown to like a lot of them over the last two years.  I entered the room and the crowd started applauding - somewhat illogically, it good job of relaxing me and making me nervous at the same time.

I think I kept it brief?  I know for a fact that I was nervous to the point of sweating while I was speaking - I'm pretty sure that I just said "oh hey, I'm super-nervous right now" so that would be right out on the table.  To be honest, I don't really remember what I said!  I definitely want to record either Monday or Wednesday, so that I can actually see what one of these meetings looks like from an audience point of view.  I answered some questions - there weren't too too many, but I just take that to mean that Denise and Cathi did their jobs well.

I talked with a few coworkers after the meeting, all of whom had positive things to say.  To anyone from work reading this blog - it means alot!  I have total faith that my transition will go over relatively smoothly, and so far there hasn't been anything to really dissuade me. 

The next two meetings are Monday and Wednesday.  Unlike the one I did already, these will be open to the entire company.  I don't know if I'm expecting more or less people, but I do think that I'm more prepared simply because I've done once before now.  At some point I decided that I will be taking Labor Day week (Aug. 30 - Sept. 5) off, using that time to both move (apartments) and to organize myself from a "legal documents" standpoint - when I come back to work, I will be presenting female full-time.  I anticipate one awkward week where people (including myself, most of all) get used to the change, and then a slide back into normalcy.

As a note to end the post - It blows my mind that I will soon be a legal female.  Like, once I do the stuff in the paragraph above...that's it for a long time.  I will be living as a woman 100% of the time.  The only real steps left at that point are (a) save for surgeries, which, yes, I do want, and (b) get used to living the life I've always wanted but never expected to have.  I still have an idea in my head of moving somewhere outside of New Engalnd and starting over, but I now I feel I have a couple years up here left in me, thanks to the overwhelming support of the people around me on a day to day/year to year basis.  Thanks as always!

I feel like I might have had one of life's "profound experiences" on Saturday night.

Weeks ago, I had purchased a ticket online to see Sound Tribe Sector 9/Umphrey's McGee play a concert in Boston.  I had stumbled at the time when ordering tickets, because they were will-call only, meaning that I would have to provide my name and show proof of identification at the door to get in.  After hemming and hawing over it for a few days I decided to use my male name to avoid the hassle, and figure out about my gender presentation when the day came.  Well, on Saturday the day came, and l ended up deciding to go with my standard androgynous look to avoid any hassle at the door.

I took the red line to the silver line to the Bank of America Pavilion, down in the seaport area of Boston.  This venue is really awesome in my opinion - it's right next to the T stop, all the seats have a clear view of the stage, and there are nice little open areas next to the water where people could go to get a nice breeze if the seating area got too stuffy.  Despite the webpage's warnings to show up an hour early because of huge will-call lines, however, there was no one waiting in line when I got there, so I spent a good hour and a half wandering around the small confines of the venue waiting for the show to start.

Two things happened to dampen my already-annoyed-at-not-presenting-female mood while I was waiting for the show to begin.  First, I was approached to register to vote, and because I didn't feel that I looked female enough, used my male name (I also figured that they'd check it against my social security code).  Secondly, after alternating between a beer and some water, I found myself needing to use the restroom.  Having pretty much resigned myself to a fate of taking the route of least resistance all night, I used the men's room.  Even though I had gone into the night wanting to be social, I ended up sitting down in my seat a half-hour early and reading a book while waiting for the show to start.

And then Sound Tribe started playing!

Even though they weren't headlining the show, STS9 was definitely the reason that I made the trip.  Since Phish broke up, they are probably the number one band that plays music suited to my tastes - heavy improvisation so that each show is new and fresh, mostly or all instrumentation since I usually see lyrics as a distraction, long build-ups so that the song usually has an amazing 'peak' that is worth the long minutes of buildup, and a focus on band interaction  (the 'groove') instead of long solos.  And even though I had downloaded some of their live shows and watched some clips on Youtube, I was completely blown away by how good they were in person.

Since their music is mostly instrumental and kind of trance-like, I found myself closing my eyes to listen to the music, and I started reflecting on my life a bit.  The first thing that I asked myself is if I'm really ready for what I'm about to go through. All I could come back to was the fact that here I was, in a place filled with people who at the very least share my musical tastes, and I was afraid to interact with anyone because of how they might (mis-)perceive my gender.  I expounded on that a bit - I came to the conclusion that, at least on some level, I was projecting my self-doubt onto others, and was letting it completely control my decision-making process.

At that point - somewhere into the third or fourth song - I once again had to go to the bathroom.  And I realized that I needed to actually confront this sort of thing if I wanted to make any progress, so I used the womens' room.  This was the first time I had ever done such a thing despite feeling that it was likely that I didn't necesarily pass as female.  And I don't know if I was surprised or if it's what I expected all along (maybe both), but nothing out of the ordinary happened at all.  I guess the only thing that caught me off guard was how invorigated I felt when I got out.

I went back to my seat (left side of the audience, maybe 30 rows back), next to a couple in their 40s or so who were probably battling similar feelings of being out-of-place (since most of the audience appeared to be in their 20s).  There was a break in the music, so I smiled at them and asked if they went to shows alot.  They were incredibly nice ex-Deadheads who still enjoyed following live music when it was around.  We talked on and off through the entire show, and they really helped me get comfortable with the idea of socializing and not worrying about how people are perceiving me.

I let myself get absorbed in the rest of the STS9 set - it was awesome.   After their set, and on and off through the Umphrey's set, I found myself going back to the boatside area of the venue and meeting new people.  In some cases, I would be completely honest and explain that I was a transwoman who was trying to break out of her shell - for pretty much everyone, it was just a random topic of conversation and wasn't nearly as frightening to others as I convinced myself it would be.  At one point, I even went back to the voter registration booth and asked if I could change my information - I scratched off my male name and wrote Michelle, and scratched out the "Mr." that I circle and circle "Miss".  The guy looked at the paper that I handed back to him and seemed to totally take it in stride.

So basically, I realized that I was letting myself be ruled by inhibition, and decided to stop.  So much of my effort has been put into "how do I pass as female?" that I haven't been putting enough thought into "how much does it matter if I pass as female?".  The fact is, I'm still transitioning and I still have a long way to go until the hormones, laser, and voicework get me to where I want to be, so it's crazy to shut myself in until that happens (which is essentially what I've been doing).  The whole idea of being hugely rejected for not passing is something that I've invented in my head, and it's up to me now to not let that rule me.

In the meantime, I'm dealing with some stressors - mainly living on a very limited budget, finding an apartment for after August, and preparing to go full time at work.  But unlike the way I felt before the show, I now feel prepared for it all.  I have a lot of faith in my ability to adapt as long as I remember to not shell up, which is the most important thing I can have.  Spirits are high, let's keep them that way!

It's going to be a long day.

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache; enough to justify that, as I hadn't missed a day of work in the last month or so, to take some time to rest it off.  This would prove to be a mistake - I went back to sleep and woke up around 11am, and then found myself sitting around bored wishing that I had decided to go into work.  With no real spending money at my disposal, I made myself busy cleaning and the like.  However, as the day went on I found myself with too much time to think, which is often a Bad Thing when I'm left by myself for too long.

I've spent the day by myself.  The only time I spoke today was to make a call setting up an appointment to view a new apartment.  As a way to justify the alone time, I made a project of ironing the clothes that had been strewn about my room.  I have a bad habit of trying on clothes, not liking the way I look in them, and then throwing them on the ground (where they stay) so that I can try on something else for the day.  This resulted in my ironing pretty much all day, keeping myself entertained by watching the Red Sox, Big Brother, and Project Runway (in that order) from 4-10.  As the day pressed on, though, I started to get a no-caffiene headache (I average 3 cups of sugarless coffee at work a day) so I grabbed two Red Bulls across the street.  As I'm writing this post at 4:30am, it's becoming evident that that was a huge error in judgement, as the caffiene plus stress has completely crippled my already-poor ability to sleep at night.

The major issue that I couldn't shake through the day is that I've been feeling really lonely as of late.  I have a friend who lived alone last year and warned me that eventually the feelings of isolation and loneliness kick in, and he was right.  I do have a lot of friends, and I'm thankful for this because they're what keep me afloat, but I can't help but feel like something is missing. 

At the age of 28 I've never been able to get emotionally attached in a relationship.  This isn't for a lack of my wanting to - I've just always felt the need to put that part of my life on hold until I could become female, since the number one prerequistite for me to be able to fall for someone is that they see me as such.  Only recently have I started to realize that the time is coming in which I need to start considering myself socially equal to a biological woman, but it's ridiculously hard to do so because my standards of wanting to pass are (probably unrealistically) high.  Even accepting myself as a woman, it then brings up the "at what point do I disclose being transgendered?" to people that I meet - I'm certainly still afraid of falling for someone only to be rejected horrifically when the truth is discovered.

So, screw it, I guess.  Short of online dating (which I'm squeamish about, given the high concentration of people that fetishize pre-op trannies), I can't really think of a viable option for now.  So I guess I'll just trudge along by myself some more.  I have plenty to think (and be nervous) about with my going completely-full-time happening over the next two months.  A legal name change is $200, and then I get to deal with the dreadful process of switching over my documents in time for coming out to my job and entering the workforce as a female.  And that, for me, is still considered way in the future for me - right now, what I should be stressing about is the fact that I'm going to be getting, at most, three hours of sleep tonight.  I feel like I should start considering that I might not be in a condition to work tomorrow, but the fact is I don't think I could take another day of sitting around here with no money and no other people around.

I will at least attempt to end this post with some happy thoughts!  I just checked my work email and saw the draft of the letter that will be sent out to the company for my 'Transgender Informational Sessions' - it's framed in a really positive light, which I appreciate alot.  I'm going to see a concert on Saturday night and then spending Sunday in CT with my family for my father's birthday - it will be the first time my family (other than my parents) will be spending time with me presenting female and I'm looking forward to it.

Time to lay down and close my eyes for three hours.  Hopefully it will serve some purpose!

I'm starting to feel the pangs of "oh my god, I'm actually doing this, oh my god oh my god oh my god am I ready for this?".  It's like - at work, I'm used to having been pretty much globally accepted by everyone, and I'm now going to risk it all on the gamble that a majority of people will be comfortable with it.  I don't really have a issue at all being open with people, that's not really the problem.  It's just that I'm starting to realize just how sensitive I am to the opinions of others, and I'm only now entering an arena where support is not necesarily guaranteed.  Am I going to be able to take that?

The meeting today with HR went well enough.  I was a bit surprised to see one of the managers from the Marketing department sitting in, as she is going to prepare the notice that goes out to the company regarding my coming out sessions in a few weeks.  I have heard that a lot of Marketing is aware that I am transgendered (and that no one openly seems to have a problem with it), but it's still weird to talk to people that know this huge (now-poorly-kept) secret about me that I haven't actually told.  As I would have expected, she was totally cool - when the idea of people having an issue with me in the womens' room came up, she seemed to be on the side of "why would anyone care?", which I appreciated.  I left the meeting with a lot of good thoughts regarding what I'm actually going to say when the time comes.  I have roughly two weeks to sort it out, as my first meeting (with the directors and managers) is on July 31st.  Given that I was getting nervous before the informal prep meeting today, I'm figuring I'll be sweating bullets by then!

This afternoon, right before I left, I went to fix a computer issue for a manager who, while I've always gotten along with him, isn't necesarily someone I talk to alot.  It would appear that an email went out to management, because a conversation came up regarding "...so who do you think it is?" between him and his officemate.  Interestingly, his officemate (and the person that sits right outside his office) are two of the first people I told, so I figured that (a) he probably knew and was just trying to see if I'd say something, or (b) he didn't know, but wouldn't have too much of an issue given the relatively open-minded vibe of that group.  I probed him about what he was talking about, and he clarified with "someone going through a transformation.." so I bit the bullet and told him it's me.  I kept it brief - yeah, it's me, if you have any questions feel free to ask, yes I will go by "Michelle", and my goal is to make it as non-awkward and comfortable for everyone as I can.  And honestly - I couldn't guage much of a reaction.  I'd like to think that he won't let the fact that I'm transgendered make him uncomfortable, but I guess I can't really be sure about it until the time comes.  It was a decent wake-up call that, in two weeks, I'm going to present to a room that likely has no real idea what it means to be transgendered, and it's not going to be as easy as my friends and family have been.

But yeah, other than that, things have been going well.   Now that I've identified that voice is one of the hardest things to master, I'm trying to put conscious effort into stopping my voice from slipping into "androgynous/male" when I'm around people that I'm comfortable with.  I've found that voice is, for some reason, a lot easier on the phone or in front of strangers than it is friends and family.  It's not an easy thing to do, but I didn't decide to transition because it's easy, so there you go.

I'm sure getting a decent amount of sleep would help as well!  I've stopped putting sugar in my coffees at work (in an attempt both to shed excess weight, and cut my reliance on coffee), so the less I drink the better.  Good night!

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1105340

Undercover ‘john’ takes on trannies, pimps

I try not to get offended easily, especially in regards to ignorance regarding transexuality, because I know that it is still something that is new to a lot of people.  But honestly - what the fuck?  This story has no real news value other than to drive home the message that transexual = sex worker, and it has been printed in a somewhat major newspaper with what I'm sure is thousands of readers.

The reason that I have this blog, and the reason that I tell every single person that I come out to that I am willing to answer any question that they may have, is because I feel like it's important to educate people so that they can stop mindlessly hating on that which they do not understand.  This is what I feel the point of the news should be, and it saddens me to see stuff like this because I don't feel like it's honestly all that unusual these days.  The media is a business, and if the Boston Herald can grab a reader's attention by uniting them against an oft-slighted group, who's to stop them?  People will still buy this junk, show it to the people in the cubicle or bus seat next to them, and have a good laugh at good ol' Officer Fong and his crusade against the freaks.

I told my therapist about this article today.  She told me that she's had at least two MtF clients who were arrested for being "night workers" because they were (technically) men in womens' clothing.  One of them was incarcerated!  Are you kidding me?  And the stuff that makes the newspaper is "Heroic Officer Grossed Out By Trannies"?  I'm doing my best to stread the message that transgendered people deserve basic respect, and it gets me really upset when I see stuff like this passing as "news".

On that note, Wednesday is my first meeting to prepare for my "coming out" sessions that will take place over the next month.  On one hand, I'm nervous - there are bound to be people that will base their opinion of who I am (despite having known me) on their already-formed perceptions of what it means to be transgendered.  On the other hand, I'm looking forward to (a) not having to hide myself anymore, (b) being able to be vocal about what it means to me to be transgendered, and (c) (hopefully) eventually being accepted as a female.  It's been hard bouncing back and forth between presenting male at work and female outside of it, and even though I think I will need another month or two to emotionally prepare myself, it's going to be great.

I spent all day on Friday in the city with my parents, and Saturday in Connecticut for my friend Wes' annual (almost-)4th of July party.  I'm not going to make this post an individualize list of the things I did, but rather some thoughts and feelings that came up over the weekend, as well as some of the more significant things that happened.

My ability to take critisism was tested a few times over the weekend. on one hand, I am always interested in input that people can give me.  On the other hand, I am really sensitive in regards to how I am perceived by others, which can lead to my reacting in ways that people don't expect when they subject me to negative feedback.  There were a few things that came up specifically that I made a mental note to comment on in my next blog post.  I am only dissecting these because they did honestly make me feel bad, and I don't want to hold that thing in - I am NOT mentioning them out of any ill will, but rather as a way that I can hope to improve things.

• "You should try wearing your hair [this way].  When you wear it [the way you've been wearing it], it makes you look more masculine" 

This was given to me as advice, and I know that the person that said absolutely had the best intentions at heart, but guess which sentenced I focused on?  The problem is that I have already tried my hair in the style that this person suggested, and I didn't like it...so the only thing that comment basically said to me was "your hairstyle is preventing you from passing".

• (after calling me by male name/pronoun 6 times in a row, despite my requests not to)  "Your voice isn't female enough.  I'm trying, but it's too hard to get used to when you talk the way you do" 

This threatened to absolutely ruin my Saturday, as it was told to me before I left for the party.  To the person who said that:  do you not think I am trying to fix my voice?  You don't just wake up and talk like a member of the opposite sex overnight - much like everything else in my transition, it takes a lot of time and effort.  In the meantime, an overwhelming majority of my friends have been absolutely great with the name/pronoun shift, so saying that just feels like a huge "No matter what you do, I don't want to make the effort to accept you as female".  I guess I was hoping that completely changing my dress, taking hormones, undergoing hours of laser/therapy/doctors appts, and explaining to people how I felt would be enough.

• "It's really hard to call you Michelle after knowing you as [male] for __ years"

People tell me this all the time after they slip up.  I think I've heard it from at least 5 different people.  I know this!
It's a weird dilemma for me, because I don't peoples inability to grasp my gender against them.  However, it's really hard for me to stay close to people if they leave me feeling worse about myself a majority of the time that I hang out with them.  Before I went full-time I was tolerant of either form of address, but not that I am making a conscious effort to present female, I genuinely feel like I'm failing whenever people slip.  Honestly, though - I don't need rationalization for the action and would much prefer it if there's more effort the next time around.

So, in the future, how should people give me suggestions to improve myself if I'm going to be so sensitive about it?  Just please focus on the "how to improve" things and less on the "what you're doing wrong" things, and I think all will be well.  This is a mindset that I have always tried to adapt when helping others, and I've found that it's usually a good way to get through to people.  As Doug Stanhope says, "I want the truth.  I just don't want the whole truth and nothing but the truth." :P

One quick antecdote to end the 'downs' section on:  I took the T home from my parents' hotel on Friday night.  I walked to the Copley T and waited for 40 minutes for a B line train to take me to BU Central.  When it finally came, I got on the T and took the only open seat next to a man in his 30's.  I sat down and he quite openly started staring at me - at this point I noticed that he reeked of alcohol.  He started talking in Italian(?) to his friends sitting across from us.  I had been hiding behind a book (ironically, Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk) to avoid eye contact, but every time I sneaked a glance, one of those guys would be obviously staring at me.  It was perhaps the most uncomfortable I've felt while presenting yet - I tried to focus on my book until I got to my stop, and then got the hell out of there.

Ups:

I felt overwhelmingly accepted this weekend. 

I spent my first day as Michelle with my parents on Friday, and it was really nice.  Besides sitting in the room and catching up, I went shopping with my mother at Lord & Taylors, we went out for dinner in the Pru, and then I spent some time with my dad in the hotel watching the Red Sox game.  I think they could tell that, despite reservations about whether or not I'm passing in public, I have been in a pretty good mood since going full-time.  I wish that I didn't botch my scheduling for the weekend so that I could have seen more of them, but now that the first awkward moment is out of the way, I'm sure it will get easier for me.  My dad's birthday is in two weeks, so hopefully I will get a chance to see the whole family then.

By the time that I got to Wes' cookout, I was at perhaps the lowest level confidence-wise that I had been in a long time.  I knew that most people there knew I am transgendered, but did not necesarily know how they took the news.  I also knew there would be people there that I had never met, and I was nervous about how I would be taken in.  I employed the "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy and tried to be social, and it was rewarded - no one seemed to have any issues with how I was presenting.  I got to reconnect with a lot of friends from CT who I only sporadically get to see, so that was nice.  Two people in particular - Jesse's mother Susie** and Pierre's girlfriend Raina, had really overwhelmingly positive things to say, and it was exactly what I needed to snap me back into a good mindset.  There were some people that I wish I had talked to more, but just like with my parents, it's more about getting the awkward first meeting out of the way so that I can start to re-open up.

As is tradition with the Wes cookout, there was a wiffle ball game.  I've always considered myself pretty good at wiffleball - I waver between a knuckleball and a sidearm pitch which I can sometimes curve.  But when presented with the group that was there - roughly 15 guys and 3 girls - I was picked dead last.  At that moment (in which Amy said to me "welcome to being female!", hehe), I realized that I was perfectly happy with that.  I have always been competitive - growing up as a male I was taught that being good at things bought me respect.  I was nervous that I would lose my competitive edge as a female - perhaps it's true that I have, but I don't really mind.  For better or for worse, my main concern now is how I am perceived as a person (both in appearance and personality) instead of the things that I achieve.

I guess when all is said and done, I'm in the rockiest part of my transition - the "be accepted as a female" phase.  I had a few people tell me that I'm brave for going through with it - I think that means that I'm good at hiding how perpetually nervous I am!  Right now, I'm building up for my coming out at work which should happen over the next two months - at that point, I get to start planning out steps for surgery (including "where do I go?" and "how the hell am I going to afford this?").  Things are looking good for now, though, and I'm in a pretty good place, so all I can do is roll with the punches and remember that things will work out :)

*I never know how to format these post titles in terms of capatalization, and I'd rather harass my favorite slacker editor about it than look it up.  And, if you're reading this, pick a day this week and we'll grab lunch or after-work drinks!)

**Once, a few years back, Jesse's mother told me that I am now an adult and should feel free to call her by her first name.  "But Mrs. Mohn," I protested, "I've grown so used to calling you Mrs. Mohn that I couldn't possibly change it now!" - interesting how time changes perspective, no?

Great weekend!

Before Friday:  In true Michelle fashion, I put off figuring out what I was doing for July 4th weekend until the last minute.  So a few days before the weekend, when Jesse asked if there was interest in hitting the Cape for the 5th-6th, there was no reason to say no.  Thanks to a combination of recent stormy weather and ridiculously high gas prices, it was still possible to find a hotel room, so after rallying some friends together to split a room, plans were set.

Friday:  Knowing that I wanted to spend the entire weekend on the Cape presenting female, it became obvious that I was going to need to buy some more clothes.  I figured that the mall would be a great place to kill the afternoon, and I was right.  Every store seemed to have some huge sale, so I wandered around, tried on a lot of stuff, and made a few purchases that I was happy with.  I even tried on some bathing suits and found some that I honestly would consider buying/wearing (2-piece with a "skirtini" bottom) if they weren't too expensive to justify.

This trip was a confidence-builder.  A few weeks ago I got read (someone seemingly caught on that I'm transgendered) by someone in a Target, and it honestly shook me up a bit.  I went out shopping on the weekend of the Pride Parade, but after the Target incident I had started to convince myself that that day was only as successful as it was because of the parade.  The July 4th Mall Trip showed me that there is, indeed, nothing to worry about.

There was a hassle later that night, as I went to my friend Pete's for the night and hit ridiculous fireworks traffic on the way home.  It was the first time Pete got to see me presenting as Michelle, although I was still dressed kind of androgynously since I wasn't sure who at his house knew about me - this ended up being a totally groundless fear, as everyone in his house was awesome (per usual) - his 3-year-old daughter even called me "cute" :3   The way home sucked, though - I went out of my way to avoid Memorial Drive and ended up getting caught in the wave of traffic anyways, leaving me stuck in traffic for a little bit more than an hour.  This ended up cutting into my packing/sleeping time for the night, which would end up leaving me a groggy mess the next day.

Saturday:  We left Cambridge a little bit after 7am, anticipating that with traffic, we would get there a little bit after 10.  Whoops!  There ended up being no traffic at all, so me and the people in my car (my friends Joel, Amanda, and Ian) grabbed some coffee and hung out at a Borders until we met up with my other friends (Jesse, Amy, Chris, and Dan).  We played some mini-golf, in which I won my first game ever (!).  We followed it up with some food, some shopping, some hanging out in the motel, some more food, hanging out in a cigar bar (where I learned that, much like wine, cigars are an acquired taste that I don't think I'll ever get), and then heading back to the motel around 11:30ish.  I was dead tired at this point, having gotten roughly 3 hours of sleep the night before, and I ended up passing out earlier than usual for me.

There were two awkward moments for me.  The first was when I heard one guy say to his friend as we walked by, "bring that shit back to Provincetown" - I started harping on that, getting really upset that I had (likely) been read, and it started threatening to ruin my day until I put it in perspective.  I don't know that they were talking about me, and even if they were, it really doesn't matter.  It sucks getting used to being read, but it is certainly something that comes with the territory for anyone who is planning to transition.  The second was when I got carded at the cigar bar - I had ordered a drink with dinner and the waitress didn't really react upon seeing my ID, but the guy at the cigar bar did a huge double-take after looking back at my ID.  All I could do was smile and nod, and he picked it up pretty quickly and treated me perfectly nicely after that.  The only reason this was bad at all was for the 5 seconds of embarrassment when he re-looked at me, but again...what does it matter what this bartender thinks, truly?

Sunday:  After checking out, we met up with my friends for breakfast, wiffleball, and light shopping.  They wanted to check out the beach, which was something that I wasn't really relishing due to no bathing suit, so I excused myself from them for a while and headed up to Provincetown (which is a huge LGBT haven for those not from the area).  It was awesome!  I promised my friends I'd be back within a few hours, so I only really explored some stores on whatever the first main street I was on was, but it certainly whet my appetite for a return trip there.  Between the restaurants, bars, shops, beaches, sand dunes, boat adventures, and bike paths, it certainly seems like a town that I would like to spend a weekend in.  I plan to investigate taking a ferry there sometime later this summer and spending a week(end).

I went back to the beach around 4pm and met up with my friends, hung around for a little while, and then grabbed dinner and headed home around 6pm.  We figured that the Saturday no-traffic commute was a fluke, caused by people mostly going to the Cape on the Friday because of the 4th, but it turned out that there really are less people travelling there this summer.  We once again hit no traffic and got home in record time.

....so yeah.  It was the first time that I basically spent at least 48 hours constantly in the company of others as female, and I think it went really well.  My friends were, as usual, really good about keeping with the female name and pronoun.  Other than the incidents above I didn't feel any stress or discomfort from being out there - more and more I'm starting to feel that Michelle is who I am, and my male persona is what I am stuck presenting at work until I start with the coming out process next month.  So as not to be a slouch in terms of immersing myself in living female, I will be spending next Friday with my parents (for the first time as Michelle) and next Saturday at a party in CT with another whole bunch of people that haven't seen me as a female yet (I don't even know that everyone there knows anything at all).

Aaaugh.  This post will be continued sometime soon when I'm not falling asleep in my computer chair :)        

To any Magic: The Gathering people whom I never really came out to, that saw my name on their friends' lists in Facebook and added me, and then found the link to this page on said Facebook and are now reading about what's up with the whole 'Michelle' thing: welcome!  I had thought that I would get out of Magic once I started transitioning, as it is a male-dominated hobby and I wasn't sure I wanted to necesary go public as transgendered to those people.

Honestly, though - that's me being stupid.  Magic players or no, I become friends with people because I trust that they like me on a personal level (and I them).  My gender shouldn't affect things at all - I still enjoy attacking for two!  It's just weird to me that I never came out, and yet I presume that at this point most people know.  Coming out at this point is really hard - this far in, if I haven't told someone, there is a specific reason that I haven't told them.  As with anyone, all I can do is to assume that people don't have any issues unless they bring them up to me - hopefully there will be relatively few of them.

To any work people reading this: I'm going to be holding Coming Out/Q&A sessions on 7/31 (for directors and possibly managers?), 8/4, and 8/6.  I'm still slowly recruiting ringers to make these sessions less terrifying than they are in my head.  And then after that, sometime in August or September, presto!  I will be living female full-time, and one year away from being eligible for surgery (which my new insurance policy specifically says it doesn't not cover as it is not 'medically necesary'.  Gah.)

To my friends reading this:  you've all been really good about at least trying with the female name/pronoun thing.  Thanks very much - I know it's not necesarily intuitive and it isn't easy, but it will become easier with time.  At least, I certainly hope so!  I really appreciate the fact that, other than due to my own hangups, I haven't really lost any relationships with people that I like as a result of my transitioning, which is huge.

Only two more days until I get my Luxury Food Budget!