3 posts tagged “family”

First of all, serious thanks to everyone that has been supportive regarding my father.  The kidney removal was a success, and so he came home a few days after that surgery to rest up.  There will be more treatments to follow in a few weeks when he recovers.  I've spent the last month living by the mantra of "plan for the worst, hope for the best, expect something in between".  It really is just a shitty situation that can't be changed, so I've had to make due with accepting the way things are.  This has worked out alright - I've gone home for the last few weekends to visit and spend some time both with my father and with my family.  It's really nice to be able to do so and I'm making sure to appreciate what we have together, but I certainly wish that it was under better circumstances.

My father has cancer.

I got the call from my mother roughly a month ago, telling me that he hadn't been eating and had lost 15 pounds in a month.  Foolish optimist that I am, I tried not to worry about it until there was more information as to what the problem was.  I figured that maybe he had a stomach bug or something that was making him hungry less.  A week after that call, I received another confirming that he has kidney cancer that had metastasized to his liver.  I went to visit on the weekend following that call, and was distressed at what I saw: he was coughing alot, had a pain in his shoulder, and told me that he had a fever that hit him pretty much every night.

Tomorrow, he will be leaving for the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center for surgery to remove his kidney.  After that, there will be chemotherapy to attempt to cure his liver.  And, having come home for the weekend to support the family and spend time with him, I'm realizing that it's only getting worse: the pain in his shoulder is really bad, and isn't explained by kidney or liver problems, which has me worrying more and more.

For my family's sake, I'm not going to go into much more detail in this blog yet.  For the last month, my father had asked that I not publicize his illness because he didn't want people to worry, but at this point word has gotten out and most family friends know about it and so he gave me permission.  All I will say is that my father is the person from who I have inherited my eternal optimism, and it is the most painful thing that I have ever experienced to watch it slowly turn into an acceptance that there is no guarantee that things will be all right.  I have been wavering in how to take this turn of events.  Part of me wants to focus on my hopes that he will be cured and no longer have to suffer through a whole lot of pain.  Another part of me, though, is trying to prepare for the fact that, after I finish this post and go to sleep, I may have just experienced the last full day of getting to be around my father.

I guess that brings me to the reason that I'm writing this post.  As I mentioned in the post before this, possibly the biggest regret that I have in my life is the fact that I waited so long before coming out to my parents.  Something he said to me today is that he feels like he's being robbed years of being able to watch me develop into a happy and confident woman.  Ironically, I waited so long because I was afraid that I would lose my family's love and support, and because I waited, I'm stuck living with the reality that I made the wrong choice.  It hurts a lot.  With that in mind, I have since learned not to keep secrets back from those who care about me, which is why I'm writing these thoughts out for people to see.

To the religious people reading this blog: please keep my father in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days.

To the people who still have one or both parents around: tell (or show) them how much you love them.  There may come a time when you're no longer able to.

To those that have lost loved ones to cancer, or lost loved ones in general:  I have a new understanding for how tough this is, and am truly sorry for all others that have had to go through this.

To the transgendered people reading this who are struggling with coming out: try and have faith in your family's love for you, because if you are correct, you'll find that the support of a loving family is the single best thing you can have.

To my friends, coworkers, and extended family that have known about this: thank you for your support that you've shown me and my family in the last month.  It has helped me a lot to know that there are so many people who care.

First of all, my last post was slightly inaccurate.  I was mistakenly under the impression that my parents were moving out of North Haven last weekend.  As it turns out, all they wanted was help moving excess things in the old house to the new house, so as to free up space (to help sell the old house) and to make the eventual move easier.  I think this is a good thing - even though the new house in Westbrook is really awesome, it will never have the same "home" vibe that I feel in North Haven.

The weekend had its ups and downs.  On one hand, I got to spend quality time with my family.  My mother took some time to help me with my eyebrows (which had been getting bushy); I watched a Red Sox game with my dad, I took a trip to Rhode Island with my brother where I got to have a nice conversation with him about everything we could think of.  I got to catch the tail end of dinner/a movie with some high school friends, with whom it was nice to catch up.  On the other hand, there was a lot of time spent sitting in the moving van, a lot of physical work, and some of the most uncomfortable arguing I've experienced in a long time.  My brother and I do not like unnecesary critisism and hate conflict - my mother doesn't seem to know any other way, and as usual it resulted in a lot of tension.

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On Saturday, my brother and I took a detour to Rhode Island to drop some furniture off at his house in Cumberland.  We stopped at a gas station, and I went to use the (men's, as I wasn't presenting female) bathroom, located on the side of the building, while he pumped gas.  I entered the bathroom as someone else was leaving, shut and locked the door behind me, and did what I had to do.  I went to leave, and - no could do.  I had locked the door, but found that I could no longer unlock it as it was wedged in the "horizontal" position.  I tried everything I could think of - brute strength, wiggling the doorknob, pushing/pulling the door - but I couldn't dislodge it.  I was wearing women's pants with no pockets, so I had no access to my cellphone.  I tried pounding on the door and yelling for help, but no one responded.  I even found an air freshener in there and tried to use it like a credit card to pick the lock, but that was a dismal failure.

Some time passed - probably 5 minutes or so? - and I eventually heard my brother calling my name.  I shouted that I was locked in the bathroom and told him to ask the clerk for a key so that he could try to open the door from the outside.  I waited another couple of minutes, and instead of my brother opening the door with a key, he instructed me to stand away from the door.

BOOM!

He kicked it open!  I could tell he was absolutely pissed off.  We got in the van and he explained what happened:

Brother:  "Excuse me, my brother* is locked in the bathroom.  He can't open the door."
Clerk:  "It's open."
Brother:  "....it's wedged shut.  He can't open the door."
Clerk:  "Is he a man or what?  Tell him to just open it!"
Brother:  "Are you serious?  Can I just have a key?"
Clerk:  "It's open."

* (sigh)

I know that the average male isn't necesarily that bad, but that's the exact kind of macho bullshit mentality that I can't wait to distance myself from once and for all.  The idea that someone would not help me in a situation like that because I'm supposed to "man up" is gets me really upset.  I know it was likely just the clerk being really lazy, but still.  It wasn't until we drove away that the guy even bothered getting up off his ass to take a look at the door - I really hope that door was messed up and that that clerk gets fired.  If I had randomly arrived there alone and got locked in, I would have pretty much been trapped until the next person who needed to use the bathroom showed up.

It wasn't until the ride home that I started thinking about the metaphor in what had happened.  I was helpless, stuck in the men's room, unable to use any "manly" skills to find my way out of the situation.  I felt completely trapped and didn't know what to do.  Eventually, I reached out for help, and with the aid of someone I trust, was able to get out and be free again :) 

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I feel like this post is short, especially given that there was a three day break, but I'm really tired.  I've been absolutely horrendous in terms of sleep habits, and I think my health is going to suffer if I don't start forcing myself into bed by midnight.  On the other hand, my friend Anthony is visiting from San Diego and will likely be hanging out on random nights this week, so that's probably not going to happen.  Oh well, socialization is more rewarding than sleep anyways :)

Good night, blog!