9 posts tagged “shopping”
Other than a rough day on Friday, September 2008 was arguably one of the best months of my life. I didn't realize the impact of worrying about my transition, but now that I'm not feeling as nervous anymore I find that I just feel completely free. I think that my outlook on life in general has been more or less right where I want it, especially now that almost everyone I know has seen Michelle by now. I feel like it's a waste to just keep posting "oh hey, I'm really happy!" all the time, so this post is going to be about some observations/antecdotes from the last month.
In September:
(1) I moved to a new apartment in a new neighborhood, with a roommate I get along with and much reduced rent.
(2) I transitioned at work and was met with nothing but support from pretty much everyone.
(3) We hired a new desktop support technician at work, which should greatly lower my work stress.
(4) With a haircut and expanded wardrobe, I haven't been concerned with passing as female at all. It feels more like a given at this point.
(5) My legal name change finally went through!
(6) I have money again. Huge sigh of relief, there.
(7) New seasons on television of House, Survivor, the Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and the Amazing Race.
(8) I have been following politics. Not so much because I care about changing the country (because I accept that I can't change very much), but because I think it's really fascinating from a sociology point of view.
(9) Red Sox in the postseason! They're 2-1 in the seventh as I write this.
(10) Phish is playing a reunion show in March! Even though I saw them once back in 1995, it wasn't until 2004 - weeks after they broke up - that I discovered how amazing their live shows are through the power of the internet. They've been my favorite band for years, so I'm going to put a lot of effort in getting tickets and organzing a trip to VA next year.
Nice month! In other news...
I'm still really appreciative that I can now shop for clothes without fear of how I'm perceived. I still really enjoy the process of shopping, and I love seeing how I look when I try on different clothes. However, shopping is slowly moving from the "luxury" column to the "necessity" one. I used to look really forward to making the male > female switch when I got home form work and then going shopping and looking for clothes - lately, I've just been really tired after work and in the mood to relax.
Shopping is a lot harder now, too. What I wear is under a lot more scrutiny as a female, which can be stressful since I have historically been oversensitive to criticism. I'm also fighting the fact that I'm still discovering exactly what sizes/shapes/colors look best on me - shoes and pants in particular have been a nightmare to fit correctly. I do feel like I'm slowly figuring it all out and developing a 'look' for myself, so I suppose all I can do is stay positive and be thankful that I've gotten this far. I want to pierce my ears, but I'm admittedly nervous about it. If someone wants to volunteer to drag me in and make sure I don't chicken out (as I've done a few times now), they're more than welcome to!
The amount of name/pronoun slip-ups at work has gone way down. On Friday, I think I noticed something around 15-20 (which, as was probably evident from my last post, affected me a lot more than I wish it would) - I don't think I've heard more than 5 in a day this week. Honestly, I put a lot of stock in other peoples' opinions of me - admittedly, at times, to a fault - and it's been a huge mental and emotional boost to have people seeing me as female. Also, this paragraph is dedicated to Christina Servideo, who has been great not only with adjusting how she addresses me, but making sure that others don't slip up either :)
One last thing: a lot of my friends have been going through tough times recently. In a lot of cases, I do my best to listen as best I can and give advice where I see fit, but it's frustrating not being able to help people. All I can do is say that I'm always willing to lend an ear or a hand if people want, and that if you're my friend I wish you the best!
Great weekend!
Before Friday: In true Michelle fashion, I put off figuring out what I was doing for July 4th weekend until the last minute. So a few days before the weekend, when Jesse asked if there was interest in hitting the Cape for the 5th-6th, there was no reason to say no. Thanks to a combination of recent stormy weather and ridiculously high gas prices, it was still possible to find a hotel room, so after rallying some friends together to split a room, plans were set.
Friday: Knowing that I wanted to spend the entire weekend on the Cape presenting female, it became obvious that I was going to need to buy some more clothes. I figured that the mall would be a great place to kill the afternoon, and I was right. Every store seemed to have some huge sale, so I wandered around, tried on a lot of stuff, and made a few purchases that I was happy with. I even tried on some bathing suits and found some that I honestly would consider buying/wearing (2-piece with a "skirtini" bottom) if they weren't too expensive to justify.
This trip was a confidence-builder. A few weeks ago I got read (someone seemingly caught on that I'm transgendered) by someone in a Target, and it honestly shook me up a bit. I went out shopping on the weekend of the Pride Parade, but after the Target incident I had started to convince myself that that day was only as successful as it was because of the parade. The July 4th Mall Trip showed me that there is, indeed, nothing to worry about.
There was a hassle later that night, as I went to my friend Pete's for the night and hit ridiculous fireworks traffic on the way home. It was the first time Pete got to see me presenting as Michelle, although I was still dressed kind of androgynously since I wasn't sure who at his house knew about me - this ended up being a totally groundless fear, as everyone in his house was awesome (per usual) - his 3-year-old daughter even called me "cute" :3 The way home sucked, though - I went out of my way to avoid Memorial Drive and ended up getting caught in the wave of traffic anyways, leaving me stuck in traffic for a little bit more than an hour. This ended up cutting into my packing/sleeping time for the night, which would end up leaving me a groggy mess the next day.
Saturday: We left Cambridge a little bit after 7am, anticipating that with traffic, we would get there a little bit after 10. Whoops! There ended up being no traffic at all, so me and the people in my car (my friends Joel, Amanda, and Ian) grabbed some coffee and hung out at a Borders until we met up with my other friends (Jesse, Amy, Chris, and Dan). We played some mini-golf, in which I won my first game ever (!). We followed it up with some food, some shopping, some hanging out in the motel, some more food, hanging out in a cigar bar (where I learned that, much like wine, cigars are an acquired taste that I don't think I'll ever get), and then heading back to the motel around 11:30ish. I was dead tired at this point, having gotten roughly 3 hours of sleep the night before, and I ended up passing out earlier than usual for me.
There were two awkward moments for me. The first was when I heard one guy say to his friend as we walked by, "bring that shit back to Provincetown" - I started harping on that, getting really upset that I had (likely) been read, and it started threatening to ruin my day until I put it in perspective. I don't know that they were talking about me, and even if they were, it really doesn't matter. It sucks getting used to being read, but it is certainly something that comes with the territory for anyone who is planning to transition. The second was when I got carded at the cigar bar - I had ordered a drink with dinner and the waitress didn't really react upon seeing my ID, but the guy at the cigar bar did a huge double-take after looking back at my ID. All I could do was smile and nod, and he picked it up pretty quickly and treated me perfectly nicely after that. The only reason this was bad at all was for the 5 seconds of embarrassment when he re-looked at me, but again...what does it matter what this bartender thinks, truly?
Sunday: After checking out, we met up with my friends for breakfast, wiffleball, and light shopping. They wanted to check out the beach, which was something that I wasn't really relishing due to no bathing suit, so I excused myself from them for a while and headed up to Provincetown (which is a huge LGBT haven for those not from the area). It was awesome! I promised my friends I'd be back within a few hours, so I only really explored some stores on whatever the first main street I was on was, but it certainly whet my appetite for a return trip there. Between the restaurants, bars, shops, beaches, sand dunes, boat adventures, and bike paths, it certainly seems like a town that I would like to spend a weekend in. I plan to investigate taking a ferry there sometime later this summer and spending a week(end).
I went back to the beach around 4pm and met up with my friends, hung around for a little while, and then grabbed dinner and headed home around 6pm. We figured that the Saturday no-traffic commute was a fluke, caused by people mostly going to the Cape on the Friday because of the 4th, but it turned out that there really are less people travelling there this summer. We once again hit no traffic and got home in record time.
....so yeah. It was the first time that I basically spent at least 48 hours constantly in the company of others as female, and I think it went really well. My friends were, as usual, really good about keeping with the female name and pronoun. Other than the incidents above I didn't feel any stress or discomfort from being out there - more and more I'm starting to feel that Michelle is who I am, and my male persona is what I am stuck presenting at work until I start with the coming out process next month. So as not to be a slouch in terms of immersing myself in living female, I will be spending next Friday with my parents (for the first time as Michelle) and next Saturday at a party in CT with another whole bunch of people that haven't seen me as a female yet (I don't even know that everyone there knows anything at all).
Aaaugh. This post will be continued sometime soon when I'm not falling asleep in my computer chair :)
I got my nails done again! I had it done once a few years ago before I was actually taking the effort to present female, and have always wanted to get my nails professionally done since. Lisa came up with the idea when we were trying to think of other "girly" things to do besides shop, and it turned out to be a great idea. We went to Allston/Brighton on Friday night and found a small hair/nails place - the owner was a nice Brazilian woman who made nice smalltalk despite being a bit tough to understand. I chose a peach/orange color (pretty much on a whim in like 5 seconds) for my nails. Lisa went with a french manicure which, had I known existed, I likely would have gotten so that I wouldn't feel pressure to remove any color before work tomorrow.
Speaking of that - I have been tossing around whether or not to remove the paint from my fingernails. Pros would be that I wouldn't have to answer any questions at work; cons would be that I really like having painted nails, I spent money getting them done, and that I'm trying not to focus on people having negative opinions. In all likelyhood, it's what I'll be doing after I post this :( My toes will remain peachy for a while, at least!
Saturday had me checking out the Boston Pride Parade. Interestingly, I went in with a pretty negative opinion of parades ("it's going out to watch people walk"), but left wishing that I had decided to march. I saw people from my job march by - I was debating saying something to them, but ultimately decided against it. Still - I had never been in such a place that a huge crowd was cheering at people for their being open with who they are, and after an entire lifetime of being afraid of people finding out that I'm transgendered, really appreciated it.
After that, I wandered Downtown Crossing. I think I ended up spending roughly four hours shopping for clothes - and I loved it. Being presented with the summer heat, I'm now realizing that a huge majority of my clothes were bought without my ever using a dressing room beforehand, and as a result I don't feel like they're good enough to wear now that I'm legitimately trying to pass as female in public. The only solution to this is shopping, and it's a solution I'm all too happy to comply with :) It's great to not be intimidated by trying stuff on - I ended up trying roughly 20 things on and only bought two, so I feel like I'm on the right track to actually loving my wardrobe. I've definitely gotten a lot pickier - since I am no longer wearing falsies, I am looking for tops that (a) look feminine enough that there is no question of how I am trying to present, and (b) hide the fact that right now, my breasts are pretty tiny.
Also, I can't remember if I thanked my friend Jenny in here or not, so at the risk of doing it a second time anyways: a friend of mine in Las Vegas sent me a huuuuge box of clothes at a time in which I direly need them. Thanks so much! The box had mostly tops fit for the summer, which is exactly what I'm looking for right now. You're one of my favorite people, seriously :)
And to everyone that's asked - I will eventually post pictures in this blog, because...well, why not? It's honestly just the fact that I hate the way I look in pictures that I take myself, and I keep forgetting to ask for help in that regard. On a plus note, I'm now a ton more comfortable presenting in front of my friends, now that I've started to get those first few awkward moments out of the way. People have definitely slipped on calling me Michelle, but I get the sense from everyone that I've been around that they're at least trying, so that's awesome! Just in case there is any question: I don't take offense when people slip up on the name, but I will likely correct people just because I want it to eventually come natural.
Today was Father's Day so I drove down to CT to visit my family. I hadn't talked to anyone about presenting and didn't know who would be there, so I decided that this would be the last time (at least, the way it works in my head) that I will be going to a family function as a male. I explained this to everyone and they seemed fine with it. I figure that I told people about my being transgendered in the order of friends > family > work, so it's as good an order as any to work on actually going full-time.
Funny note to end the post on: I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts on the way home from my parents house. I was wearing white linen pants, a female-cut brown valour top, and a necklace (pretty much the 'androgynous' look). I ordered a large iced coffee in a feminine voice and went to pay the cashier, a woman who I'm getting was in her late fifties:
Her: "...and here's your change, sir."
Me: (hands cashier money, she sees that my nails are painted)
Her: "....errr, ma'am."
Me: (grin at her)
Her: (obviously embarrassed) "....you know, I'll be honest, I don't know. What do you prefer to be called?"
Me: "Either or, but I prefer ma'am."
Her: "Well, there you go! You never know, nowadays!"
Me: "I'm glad you asked!
I think she was mortified at slipping on "sir....errr, ma'am", but I did my best to make her feel comfortable when all was said and done. I had a similar experience getting the door for the Wing It delivery man (who I'm mentioned in this blog before) - he calls me Michelle and is always super nice, but called me a "great guy" last time he was buy, and then was clearly embarrassed when he realized what he said. I certainly don't relish making anyone feel awkward, but there is a certain endearing quality about knowing that people are going out of their comfort zone to make me feel female, and I really appreciate it.
All in all, things are swell.
Usually, when a week passes and I don't write an update in this blog, it means one of two things. Either I've been busy and will eventually catch up with all of the interesting progress I've made, or I've been lazy and thus frustrated. Unfortunately, last week has been a lot of the latter.
Things have been going well from most perspectives. My job is continuing to work with me in terms of arranging how I will come out to the company, and I've been happy working. I'm getting my stimulus check in the mail this week, which should help with some bills that I need to pay. I've been plenty social and have had fun being around people. Despite all of that, though...I had been kind of down.
Last night, I went out with friends to watch the Celtics game around bars in the North End. I don't have any particular stake in basketball, but Wes and Bryan from CT were up, as well as my friend Dan, so I figured I'd tag along and drink myself into enjoying basketball. While I was there, I decided to take some a mental inventory and figure out what was going on with me.
1. I don't really present female, with the exceptions of: (a) therapy, (b) BATs meetings, and (c) hanging out with my friend Lisa.
2. I am not comfortable leaving my comfort zone, and have come up with every possible reason in the book to delay doing so. Stuff like, "This isn't an appropriate place to present female", "I'll need a debit card/license so don't want to present female", "It's too hot to go out", "What if ___ sees me?", "I need to wait until laser works more/my breasts are larger", "I don't want to confuse or embarrass my friends" - I've used all of these in the last week alone, and there are probably more that I can't think of.
3. Without leaving my comfort zone, I'm stewing in negative expectations which is leading to more rationalizaions, which leads to more frustration as I don't do anything.
So I let myself think about this (while drinking) last night, until I realized that it was past eleven and we were still out. I decided two things at that moment: that I wanted to start spending significantly more time as Michelle, and that there was no way I was going to be able to soundly work the next day. Besides, Bryan and Wes aren't usually around, so I decided to take a Mental Health Day today, sleep in late, and then figure things out.
This morning, I woke up and went out to eat breakfast with Jesse, Wes and Bryan. I rejected presenting female because I hadn't showered, and because I didn't want to feel like I was trapping anyone into an uncomfortable situation, but made a promise to myself to do so later since I had taken the day off and wanted to buy clothes. I came back to my apartment because I knew that there would be a real estate showing my place and figured that I would clean up a bit. I couldn't remember what time the agent said they were coming (as they called while I was at the bar) but I thought it was two o'clock. Since I didn't want to interact with strangers while presenting female, I threw on a t-shirt and shorts and basically sat around my apartment until five. At this point, I was disgusted with myself for having still put off going out presenting female, and yet was still figuring that I wasn't giving myself enough time, and that I should just go shopping tomorrow.
Eventually, around 6:15, I left my apartment. For the first time, I went out presenting female without wearing false breasts - I found that my chest looked more believable if I threw on my training bra* and threw one folded tissue in each cup. I wore a yellow top that I think Amy gave me that covers my shoulders but (gasp!) doesn't have sleeves, and a black skirt - after years of wearing t-shirts/button-up shirts on 90+ degree days like today, being out in the sun felt absolutely amazing. I had no problem making eye contact with people, even saying "hi" to strangers as I passed them, and once again I don't think that I was read at all.
The plan was to go to Mass Ave., withdraw from the ATM, go to Tello's/Payless/Goodwill and buy cheap clothes, and then head up Pearl Street to Micro Center to purchase some computer equipment for Pete. Clothes-wise, I only made it to Tellos, where despite a closed dressing room I bought a sundress and some kapris. They only seem to reach my knees, so I guess they're 'shorts' now - is that a fashion no-no? Also - there were a couple of people that I considered inviting, but decided that I wanted to go it alone at least once - if people want to shop, just let me know when!
At Micro Center, I had an interesting moment - the cashier was charging me the wrong price and was insistent that he was right. I held my own and tried to explain, in a female voice with a long line of people watching, that I knew he was charging me too much, but eventually just declined to buy anything and left. I think it was my first conflict situation while I was presenting - really nerve-wracking at the time. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened, because even though I was in an argument with a stranger, he didn't appear to read that I am transgendered.
All in all, I absolutely needed today. I have done a lot of talking with a lot of friends recently, and it seems resoundingly clear that it's me, not my friends, that seem to have the issue with my presenting female. I am consciously going to be spending more nights and weekends as Michelle, hopefully amongst my friends (although I plan to stick to private settings before braving public ones, I think to everyones' benefit), and I will try to enforce my name/pronoun when doing so to get that awkwardness out of the way. People have started to ask for pictures of me when I'm presenting, and I will share some (probably via email or facebook) to those that ask as soon as I figure out a way to take pictures of myself where I don't look goofy.
Right now, my goal is to spend Monday-Thursday night female, so if you make plans with me, expect it! :) I'm also going to be assuming that people don't take an issue with it? It completely gets in my head if I start thinking I'm making people uncomfortable, so I might as well assume that I'm not and just ask people to say something if it will be weird for them. Either way, it's really about time!
*there is an interesting story about where I got that training bra, twelve years ago.
My goodness, female nipples feel different than male nipples. A week ago I was carrying a box with a computer in it at work, and I accidently walked into a wall, pushing the box into my chest. It hurt. Like, shockingly so. It's really weird to get used to all of a sudden have feeling in a body part where there really wasn't any before. I'd be lying if I said I don't find it really cool, though! I've wanted to be female for so long, that now that it's happening, I'm constantly aware of it. Every so often I find myself touching a nipple/cupping a breast (when alone, of course), just because it's so amazing to me.
In other news...
I went shopping at the mall today with my friend Lisa. Again, not a single (noticable) read - at least one store employee included me in a "Can I help you ladies today?", which was nice. Even nicer (although slightly scarier) was a woman asking if we could let her do our hair at her Newbury Street salon for some photo shoot/portfolio/something - being asked was a mixture of nervousness at being read and pleasure at being asked to do something that only a woman would be asked to do.
Also, shopping! I got a really comfortable pair of linen drawstring pants at H&M. I also got two pairs of shoes at Payless - I swear that Payless might be my new favorite store. I think I am going to start wearing women's shoes a bit more outside of work - nothing obvious like giant heels, but I have been wearing the same two pairs of clogs for so long that I think it will be nice to go outside of that. I can already tell that shoe shopping is going to be a huge vice as I get further along in transition :)
I think I messed up my knee today. I went to the YMCA again to play four-square (which makes me realize that it's been two weeks since my last post!) and dived for a ball, landing directly on my right knee. It hurt..not too bad as I had no problem moving around the mall, but at 11:49pm as I am writing this post, it feels worse. Hopefully I'll wake up in the morning and it will be fine.
Four-square brought up some interesting thoughts today. I have been introducing myself as [male] because I don't like doing physical activities while wearing falsies. The first two times I went with my friend Chris, the second two times I went alone (both times because I didn't remember that they were playing until the night before/morning of). I've found that, although it's a very friendly crowd and I can easily converse with them while waiting in line to play, I have trouble opening up to them because I don't feel like letting them get attached to me as a person until I can be myself. Today was the last game of the season, meaning they won't play again until next winter - I'm hoping that I will be full-time female at that point so that I can stop worrying about this.
Where was I? Oh, right. At four-square today they mentioned that, although this would be the last game, they will be getting together next Friday night for a social gathering. Per tradition, it would be a potluck, and the dress code would be formal. I wasn't planning on going anyways for the reasons mentioned above, but it got me thinking - what the hell would I even wear nowadays to a formal event? I am at the point where I refuse to do the suit/tie thing unless it is absolutely 100% unavoidable, but I don't have the face/figure to pull off an actual dress/gown. The conclusion that I've come to is that, like swimming/water-based events, formal stuff will probably be on hold for a year or so until I decide to go full-time. It's just as well - I don't think there's anything I feel less comfortable in than a suit and tie.
I spent some time taking pictures of myself today to upload to my facebook, but I can't find the stupid cable that connects my camera to my computer. Grr.
I was going to add more to this post, but I believe that it will do. I have a BATS meeting on Tuesday, followed by a trip back to Connecticut this weekend. It will be nice to see some old friends again!
Since the last time I've written in here:
- I went shopping with my friend Lisa while presenting female. As I said in the last post, I had hit a sort of lull where I simply couldn't find motivation go out as Michelle for things besides BATS meetings and therapy appointments. I finally snapped out of it and ventured out - and it was fun! In therapy today, I was talking about how I'm setting goals that are too lofty - if I can be 100% confident in who I am and how I look, I will stop worrying about all of the other baggage that seems to be bringing me down.
I have to say, the mall was fun! Being able to confidently use dressing rooms is a huge boon, because I can finally try on clothes (which I love) without buying them. Future trips are/will likely be in the works!
- People have started commenting on changes to my appearance. The general consensus is that my the skin on my face is improving, as I was told three different times at my brother's house last weekend that my face looked smoother. When I look in the mirror I certainly feel happier with my (slightly more effeminate) appearance than I have in a long time, and I'm only a bit more than a month into hormones.
- In talking to my brother, a topic came up that might not be clear to people, so I figured I would clarify it in this post. What came up was the fact that there would be a lot of my brother's family's family/friends, most of whom know me as [male] and didn't know about my transition - was he expected to tell people beforehand? I am out of the closet, and I really don't mind the topic coming up with people that know me. It seems like people will find out at some point (the only way they won't is if I never see them again), so I'm fine with people knowing. That said, I'm not planning to ever surprise people by showing up overtly female without telling them first, at least for now. I think it will be a lot easier for people to see me as female when I actually look the part, and I'm not rushing into anything.
Again, it pretty much speaks to the confidence thing. I'm still not really sure of myself around most people, so to present female at a function like a party or something would stress me out too much. And while I know the only way to gain confidence is to get out there, I feel like I'm fine building it slowly the way I have been doing.
- Despite still being kind of lazy in terms of going out and doing stuff, I've been relatively happy over the course of the last week. It's all pretty much because of the first two points, now that I think about it! I mentioned at therapy today that every time I get into depressive funks it's because I find myself worrying about things that I can't change - I need to stop that and worry about stuff that I can change, and then change it, which is hopefully what I can do over the next few months :)
Last night was like a little adventure! I had a therapy appt. at 4pm, so I left work at 2, came home, and switched to presenting female before heading out west. Since I had a few things that I needed to do, I decided to make a little adventure out of it.
Level 1: Therapy Appointment
Difficulty: 1 out of 5
Since I've been in really good spirits lately, there wasn't any particular thing that I needed help with, which cleared the way for an interesting 45-minute discussion on my thoughts/opinions/desires regarding sex and relationships. It's interesting to have someone where I can (heck, where I should) be completely honest and open with regards to that stuff. I'm not really interested in going into further detail in here, though.
Level 2: Glamour Boutique
Difficulty: 1.5 out of 5
I figured that since I left work early and was already halfway there, I might as well head out to Auburn to check out the only trans- specializing store that I've ever seen. I was out of medical adhesive (lovingly referred to as "boob glue") and they are the only store that I know of that sells it. In addition, it's far and away the least stressful place to present female, for obvious reasons. I tried on a dress and a skirt, but the sad (happy?) reality is that I'm way too small to fit in the clothes that they sell there, so I didn't end up buying any clothes.
Level 3: The Auburn Mall
Difficulty: 3 out of 5
I had done two mall trips as Michelle in the past. The first one was by myself in Natick - I was really nervous, think I might have been read once or twice, and ended up hurriedly going into Sears, buying a bunch of clothes, and leaving as quickly as possible. The second one was two weekends ago with friends - I was a lot more relaxed, and it built up confidence, but we didn't go into too many different stores. I figured that since I had broken the ice with the first two 'levels' and was already in the area, I would try and do some shopping at the Auburn Mall.
Holy cow. I went in with the intent to purchase a jacket, and actually took some time and looked around. I went into NY&Company, Charlotte Russe, and eventually purchased a new coat at Wet Seal. I even perused around Victoria's Secret! I made eye contact/smalltalk with people (specifically those hocking cheap wares at kiosks, or working at stores) and wasn't visibly read a single time. I went to Payless looking for some cheap boots, but their selection in my size isn't the best. I went to Sears but didn't want to spend the prices they were asking for clothes (for obvious reasons, I avoided Macy's). Most importantly, I really enjoyed myself.
Level 4: Star Market
Difficulty: 3.5 out of 5
This would mark the first time I had ever gone out presenting female to do something that had absolutely nothing with being female. I started to rationalize my way out of going, thinking of how much easier it is when you aren't afraid of being read, until I realized...I'm really not. No one at a grocery store is going to take the time to bother guessing my gender, and even if they did there's almost no shot of saying something to me. This is really obvious in retrospect, but it's amazing what kind of things my mind can come up with when I'm doing something Iv'e been nervous about my whole life.
Level 5: Going home
Difficulty: 1 4.5 out of 5
As I was walking back to my house, I saw my third-floor neighbor (who I'm not out to) coming towards our house from the other direction. Had I not froze up, we would have definitely intersected right at the door. This was my one major dissapointment of the night - I didn't feel like running into someone I knew and having to explain exactly why I was dressed the way I was, so I did one of those "oh! forgot something in the car!" things, turned around, and waited an extra three minutes before going inside. Now that I'm writing this, I'm kicking myself for that, as it put a stain on what was otherwise a perfect record in terms of challenging myself.
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I wrote most of this last night, but was too tired to finish it, so I'm ending this post the next morning. Tonight is a BATs meeting followed (and preceded) by some hardcore housecleaning. Tomorrow night is the Kid Nation finale (and Project Runway, which I always forget) - if people would like to come over to watch a bunch of crying kids, they're welcome. One of my next posts should hopefully include some sort of birthday plans - I historically take forever to figure out what (if anything) I'm doing, so I need to buckle down and post something!
Woohoo, I finally added some content (and some friends) to my facebook. I only added specific people, mostly people that I either see regularly or that I know are comfortable with my transgenderedness - if anyone reading this would like me to add them and I haven't, let me know.
It's funny - I lost all of the pictures on my computer when my hard drive crashed a few weeks back, so I decided I would spend tonight essentially playing "dress-up" and taking some pictures. I have always known this, but sometimes I forget: I really like trying on clothes :) I threw in some pictures of my apartment while it's still clean for good measure. And since I was cooking, cleaning, playing cards online, and watching television through the time I was changing and taking pictures, it pretty much took up my entire night.
I'll post more soon! I have a BATS meeting tomorrow from 7-9, and then I rush home, change, and go out with friends to demo out the new game Rock Band at a bar. Speaking of bars, I need to get my license replaced soon - not only is it annoying to have a license with an obviously male person on it (preventing me from obtaining alcohol while presenting female, unless it's an obviously T-friendly place), but my license expires in a month anyways.
I need to go clothes shopping soon. My primary ideas are the Garment District (where I've been shopping presenting female a few times already) or a mall. If people (likely females) are interested in shopping trips, let me know!
Oh lordy, it's 2am already. I'm cutting this short, more updates soon!
Oh wow. Let's see here:
1. I've been writing a lot more. I consider AIM to be a form of writing that just happens to be interactive and directed at another person :) Between AIM, my journal, emails, and forums, I'm letting my mind flow free, and really liking it. Granted it's only online, where passing as female is guaranteed, but I've found that I have a lot more to say when I feel I'm being received as a female. That freedom, combined with my newly living alone, has made me feel a lot more confident with myself. And when my spirits are high, apparently my luck follows!
2. I was delivered good news at work yesterday. I'm not going into much more detail, because I don't want this journal to be a liability if someone from my life as [male] finds this. Instead, I'm going to talk about work in general. I'm in a really good place right now - I have a few close friends, a lot of good acquaintances, and I enjoy what I do. I am not coming out yet - I do not want to explain to people that I prefer to be seen as female, only to continue coming into work presenting as a man. Presenting female full-time before I start hormones is out of the question, so right now I'm just being patient.
There is one person at work who knows, but she seems to feel very awkward about bringing it up as a topic of conversation. More likely than not, she thinks it will make me feel awkward. There is another friend who I am incredibly close to, and it's making me feel worse and worse as time passes and I don't tell him. I feel like he has formed a close bond with [male], and while I know he would not reject me, I feel like it might make us not as close as we have been. Honestly, as I write this, that doesn't really make any sense - I am planning on telling him sooner than later, as soon as I stop rationalizing.
Anyways, good news at work. I'm really happy with it. Back to the other reasons this has been a good week!
3. On Monday afternoon, I received a phone call from the Concord police department, telling me that a warrant had been put out for my arrest, and that he recommended that I go down to pay off an 800$ debt from years back. He told me that they were perfectly fine with setting up a payment plan, which seemed reasonable to me. I went to the courthouse today, where they put me in front of a judge. I explained - and this is reasonably honest - that I really wanted to pay and settle it, but I have a some mental issues that included frivolous spending that I was working on, and felt I would do better if I was billed monthly for it. The judge asked me if I was seeing help, and I explained that I had a therapist. He then told me that he was remitting (and I was so shocked, I asked him to verify the meaning of the word 'remit') the fine, and to spend that money getting the help I needed.
Holy crap. I have one more $150 violation to pay for that I know of, and then I'm out of debt. I am really bad with debt - a lot of my defense mechanisms involve not thinking about stressful things, and so I tend to force myself not to worry about things like that until they spiral out of control. I'm really grateful that the judge was able to help me with that, because it had been a HUGE stressor for me (the few times that I would remember that I owed nearly $1000 that I simply wasn't going to be able to pay), which was growing worse because I kept putting it off.
4. After the courthouse today, I had a consultation for hair removal. The technician, who has been in the field for 30+ years and was highly recommended by my therapist, said that I would be a good candidate for laser hair removal. This is good, because while electrolysis is more guaranteed to be permanent, it costs more, hurts more, and takes longer than laser. She took me in and went over the finer details of the process, including cost, number of sessions, the process, the risks, and how it actually worked. She gave me some test zaps, and I think she said it best in that it feels like "a rubber band snapping you and a spray of water at the same time". It hurt, but I'm more than willing to put up with it for a little while for something that important. My first proper appointment is October 1st.
5. I have plans to go shopping on Sunday, with a friend of mine (hi Lisa!) that I had recently gotten back in contact with. This is awesome, because (a) she's willing to accept me as female, even in person, (b) I think I will have a lot more confidence out in public if I'm with a friend, and (c) I think she can give me a lot of input in regards to how to pass better. The place that we plan to go has a lot of cool, cheap clothes, and is really relaxed, so I think I will be able to actually go out female without being stressed.
6. I'm getting a lot better at the whole lifestyle change thing. I have been substituting online gaming (Magic Online, for those curious), which was my #1 money-sink/time-waster, with maintaining my apartment, writing and socializing. I'm sure all of this is tied in with the increased confidence, but I feel a lot happier with what I've been doing lately. I don't buy anything anymore unless I can really justify it. I'd say I've cut back from eating out every meal to eating out every third night or so. When I get time, I plan to tackle the bass guitar and sewing machine, two hobbies I would love to learn but had been putting off.
7. I got my bloodwork results back from my doctor - everything is normal. My first endo appointment isn't until January (possibly December, based on a lead from my therapist), so I'm going to have to wait for awhile before I can put that to use, but it's still really good news.
8. The Red Sox are in the postseason! It's weird - I ignored sports for the entire time I considered myself male, yet as I get more comfortable as a female I find myself enjoying sports (especially baseball) a lot more. I've always sort of resented sports, as they were a representation of my maleness that I couldn't get away from - but as that social pressure is taken away, it gets more enjoyable. Go figure.
As for the Red Sox - it's weird, but I like them a lot more for what they represent than for what they do on the field. I know that people complain that "Red Sox Nation" is just a big marketing ploy to get money, but it doesn't bother me. I love the togetherness it brings to the city that I live in. I think it's cool that you can walk into a random bar and really cheer with a crowded room of strangers because you genuinely all want the same thing. I love that when I meet a stranger in Massachusetts, I am 90% likely to have at least one interest in common with them. And definitely most important of all, my father is getting older, and I feel like the Sox have brought us a lot closer. I've now witnessed Curt Schilling's 200th win, Dustin Pedroia's first home run (I was one row away, in the Green Monster seats, from where it landed!), and Clay Bucholz's no-hitter (on the day I moved into this apartment!), all with my father. And those are all things that I'll remember for the rest of my life.
