3 posts tagged “sts9”
Last night was the first night in a long time that I've hit what I felt was a major setback to my transition. I've been replaying the situation in my head over and over, and the conclusion that I came to was that I should write it out in here and see if my feelings become clearer to me. So here we go:
I feel like I might have had one of life's "profound experiences" on Saturday night.
Weeks ago, I had purchased a ticket online to see Sound Tribe Sector 9/Umphrey's McGee play a concert in Boston. I had stumbled at the time when ordering tickets, because they were will-call only, meaning that I would have to provide my name and show proof of identification at the door to get in. After hemming and hawing over it for a few days I decided to use my male name to avoid the hassle, and figure out about my gender presentation when the day came. Well, on Saturday the day came, and l ended up deciding to go with my standard androgynous look to avoid any hassle at the door.
I took the red line to the silver line to the Bank of America Pavilion, down in the seaport area of Boston. This venue is really awesome in my opinion - it's right next to the T stop, all the seats have a clear view of the stage, and there are nice little open areas next to the water where people could go to get a nice breeze if the seating area got too stuffy. Despite the webpage's warnings to show up an hour early because of huge will-call lines, however, there was no one waiting in line when I got there, so I spent a good hour and a half wandering around the small confines of the venue waiting for the show to start.
Two things happened to dampen my already-annoyed-at-not-presenting-female mood while I was waiting for the show to begin. First, I was approached to register to vote, and because I didn't feel that I looked female enough, used my male name (I also figured that they'd check it against my social security code). Secondly, after alternating between a beer and some water, I found myself needing to use the restroom. Having pretty much resigned myself to a fate of taking the route of least resistance all night, I used the men's room. Even though I had gone into the night wanting to be social, I ended up sitting down in my seat a half-hour early and reading a book while waiting for the show to start.
And then Sound Tribe started playing!
Even though they weren't headlining the show, STS9 was definitely the reason that I made the trip. Since Phish broke up, they are probably the number one band that plays music suited to my tastes - heavy improvisation so that each show is new and fresh, mostly or all instrumentation since I usually see lyrics as a distraction, long build-ups so that the song usually has an amazing 'peak' that is worth the long minutes of buildup, and a focus on band interaction (the 'groove') instead of long solos. And even though I had downloaded some of their live shows and watched some clips on Youtube, I was completely blown away by how good they were in person.
Since their music is mostly instrumental and kind of trance-like, I found myself closing my eyes to listen to the music, and I started reflecting on my life a bit. The first thing that I asked myself is if I'm really ready for what I'm about to go through. All I could come back to was the fact that here I was, in a place filled with people who at the very least share my musical tastes, and I was afraid to interact with anyone because of how they might (mis-)perceive my gender. I expounded on that a bit - I came to the conclusion that, at least on some level, I was projecting my self-doubt onto others, and was letting it completely control my decision-making process.
At that point - somewhere into the third or fourth song - I once again had to go to the bathroom. And I realized that I needed to actually confront this sort of thing if I wanted to make any progress, so I used the womens' room. This was the first time I had ever done such a thing despite feeling that it was likely that I didn't necesarily pass as female. And I don't know if I was surprised or if it's what I expected all along (maybe both), but nothing out of the ordinary happened at all. I guess the only thing that caught me off guard was how invorigated I felt when I got out.
I went back to my seat (left side of the audience, maybe 30 rows back), next to a couple in their 40s or so who were probably battling similar feelings of being out-of-place (since most of the audience appeared to be in their 20s). There was a break in the music, so I smiled at them and asked if they went to shows alot. They were incredibly nice ex-Deadheads who still enjoyed following live music when it was around. We talked on and off through the entire show, and they really helped me get comfortable with the idea of socializing and not worrying about how people are perceiving me.
I let myself get absorbed in the rest of the STS9 set - it was awesome. After their set, and on and off through the Umphrey's set, I found myself going back to the boatside area of the venue and meeting new people. In some cases, I would be completely honest and explain that I was a transwoman who was trying to break out of her shell - for pretty much everyone, it was just a random topic of conversation and wasn't nearly as frightening to others as I convinced myself it would be. At one point, I even went back to the voter registration booth and asked if I could change my information - I scratched off my male name and wrote Michelle, and scratched out the "Mr." that I circle and circle "Miss". The guy looked at the paper that I handed back to him and seemed to totally take it in stride.
So basically, I realized that I was letting myself be ruled by inhibition, and decided to stop. So much of my effort has been put into "how do I pass as female?" that I haven't been putting enough thought into "how much does it matter if I pass as female?". The fact is, I'm still transitioning and I still have a long way to go until the hormones, laser, and voicework get me to where I want to be, so it's crazy to shut myself in until that happens (which is essentially what I've been doing). The whole idea of being hugely rejected for not passing is something that I've invented in my head, and it's up to me now to not let that rule me.
In the meantime, I'm dealing with some stressors - mainly living on a very limited budget, finding an apartment for after August, and preparing to go full time at work. But unlike the way I felt before the show, I now feel prepared for it all. I have a lot of faith in my ability to adapt as long as I remember to not shell up, which is the most important thing I can have. Spirits are high, let's keep them that way!
This is kind of embarrassing to post right after bitching about no money, but time is of the essence here! Two of my favorite still-touring bands, Sound Tribe Sector Nine and Umphrey's McGee, are playing in Boston at the Bank of America pavilion on (Saturday) July 26. I'm planning on buying tickets on either tomorrow or over the weekend some time because I'm afraid of them selling out.
Rather than explain their music, here are videos:
Umphrey's is interesting. I downloaded a few of their shows two years ago and liked their jamming but hated their vocalist. However, I understand that there is a lot of improvisation/variety to their shows (and liked what I've seen surfing around Youtube), so I'm certainly going to give them a chance. Sound Tribe Sector Nine (STS9) is the bee's knees. I love 'em! With a good mix of electronic and live music, they groove better than any live band I've ever heard.
I'm hoping to actually go with people, so please let me know! I'm considering trying to hit the New York shows on the 24th as well.
