3 posts tagged “waiting”

11 days without an update?  Geez.

There was actually an update that I wrote some 5 days ago, about how I have been having incredibly swingy ups and downs as of late.  It focused mostly on the low notes, and analyzing what factors have been making me feel bad in the last few weeks.  I wrote up a few pages, couldn't think of how to end it, and then as time went on, eventually just deleted it.  Unfortunately, it's almost a week later and I'm still feeling the same way, so it's time to re-gather those thoughts.

My life has been full of stress lately.  I'm simutaneously trying to balance [a] preparing to transition full-time, [b] moving to a new apartment on the busiest moving day of the year, and [c] not really having any spending money (but spending money anyways).  I'm just sick of living alone, because I do nothing but sit around and harp on all that other stuff.  I'll have days where I'm totally happy with how my body is looking followed by days where I don't want to be seen by anyone because I feel disgusting.

I wrote out a list of stuff that I need to do over the span of the next two weeks.  It was split into four columns: "Name Changes" (bills and documents and stuff);  "Appearance/Shopping Stuff", "Move-Related Stuff", and "Other".  Each list had roughly 10 bullets, with "Appearance/Shopping" clocking in as the only list whose tasks will be fun.  Of course, in typical Michelle fashion, I spent the weekend handling stuff from that particular list (specifically: shopping and exercising, with sporadic cleaning).

I think the thing that has been getting me down the most is waiting.  I went against my therapist's advise and put in a month period between my coming out at work and actually presenting female, mostly because I wanted time to ensure that everyone was comfortable with the change.  I don't know why I thought it would take so long - two or three days after I came out it was obvious that people are as ready for it as they're going to be.  I feel like I sent a mixed message by declaring "I am a woman" and then coming back to work presenting male for a month.  If any transgendered people who are transitioning now are reading this, don't repeat my mistake!

So in a week or two I should have money coming in, an improved living situation, and I will finally be full-time.  When that happens I can stop worrying and start living.  Honestly, it's going to be awesome.  Until then, I'm just trying to motivate myself to tackle the list so that I can actually enjoy a little bit of my week off when September comes.

I'll end the post with one last tangent: I asked a co-worker to describe me in three words.  He came up with "Oversensitive", "Easily-Influenced", "Wuss".  Guilty on all three counts!  I prefer to think of these traits as "Empathetic", "Open-Minded", and "Un-masculine", but to each their own. :)

I'm almost there!  Work knows that I am transgendered, and people are quite overwhelmingly supportive.  Once September rolls around, I'll be living honest-to-god full-time.  I'm alternatingly excited and nervous about it.  I definitely can't wait until my IDs have been changed - for whatever reason, I feel like it is validation that I am legally female.  One I get the ID, I feel like I'll be able to stop worrying so much about how I'm seen since I'll be "legitimate".

Money has been tight.  All the usual bills, plus first/last/half-fee on the new apartment.  It's blindingly obvious that the apartment that I'm living in is too expensive, and I will be greatly easing that burden once I move.  On August 31st, I will get a paycheck that I will not need to immediately spend on rent.

Work has been stressful.  Not the coming-out part, just the actual work part (yes, life goes on!).  I need a vacation - and I'm taking mine starting on September 1st.

It's going to be one heck of a September for me!  Unfortunately, I'm finding it very hard to wait.  I think it's starting to show.  I have been really lax with taking care of the apartment and I haven't been going out as much.  I've pretty much just spent the last two weekends killing time around the house in an attempt to save money.  Not the best plan for me, since it tends to bring out my negative side.

It's like being in the period after high school where I've just been accepted to a college for the fall, and now all of a sudden everything in high school no longer feels as significant.  All I can do is hang around with my friends, save a bit for the coming years, and wait for September to roll aournd.  And much like in my senior year of high school, I like to keep my writing short and sweet...

Halloween went really well.  I dressed up as a hippy, met up with my friend Lisa, and we proceded to take a walk around my neighborhood to people-watch a bit.  It was great!  With one exception that should be stricken from the record due to intoxication/not knowing my limits, this was the first time that I really went out and did anything for Halloween.  It was neat - even though my street (and apparently the street that I moved out of) were empty, there were surrounding streets that had huge groups of kids.  We even managed to score a bunch of candy! 

All in all, I thought it was really fun.  It was the first time going out (sober) where I had absolutely no fear of being read or what people thought.  Heck, I liked my costume alot.  I'd go so far as to say it's one of the first times I had real self-confidence being out in public.

We took some pictures, which got me thinking.  I've mentioned that I started this journal with the mindset that I don't want random pictures of me in transition surfacing long after I'm done with that part of my life.  On the other hand, I don't like not sharing things with people.  There are a number of friends that I see several times per month that I think have still never seen me presenting female - there is at least one that didn't even know I am transgendered until a few weeks ago.  The fact is, being seen that first time is just the worst.  I've had to do it time and time again, and I always find it uncomfortable.

I decided that the answer is something that I've been dreading/putting off for a long time.  I went and got a Facebook.  I realized that it would accomplish a few things: (a) it will allow people to get used to me presenting female, (b) it will allow me to keep my profile as secure from the outside as I'd like, (c) it serves as storage for pictures, and (d) everyone I know seems to have one!  I'm going to start tonight (or tomorrow, as I'm super-tired) by adding a few friends from my AIM profile and then finding more people as I grow more comfortable with how I'm perceived.  Right now, it's pretty empty other than Halloween photos anyways.  As much as I swore against it, I feel like if I'm going to keep a Facebook, I want it to look good before other people start to see it.

Ugh.

In other news, not that much has been happening.  I have been trying to call my endocrinologist to get my appointment moved up from January, but that has been a monumental failure.  So other than that, I'm pretty much just waiting for that.  I'm planning on taking some shopping trips in the near future while presenting female - if anyone would like to come, please let me know, because I do a lot better when in company.

Oh!  One other thing - I've been trying to be a bit more vocal with things that bother me.  A friend (and my therapist) made the assertion that I tend to sit on things that bother me and let them upset me for long periods of time rather than just confronting the issue.  It's really better to resolve things quickly, and I know this, so I'm doing my best to just be honest with people.  I just hope everyone remembers that I expect people to slip up/not know what to do with regards to my gender expression - as long as you (my friends and family) work with me and at least try, I'll be happy :)

That is all for tonight.  I will likely start making my Facebook viewable and adding people shortly.